


Life After

by BuffyAngel68



Series: Life After [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst, Description of child abuse, First Time, Gen, Graphic Language, Graphic Sex, M/M, dark themes, h/c, mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-29
Updated: 2011-11-29
Packaged: 2017-10-26 16:32:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/285461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuffyAngel68/pseuds/BuffyAngel68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the Summer after Buffy's death, Giles is doing a slow crash and burn and needs someone to pull him out of the nosedive. This is the start to my complete Season Six re-write. We'll get into the actual season eventually, but you need the background first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Most of canon Season six was truly a downer, so I'm determined to make it better. Not that there won't be angst and conflict, just not as much as Joss felt the need for. Also I had a desperate itch to see Giles have someone to care about him, and I have a down-in-my-guts love for Alice Cooper. Story came first, music seemed to fit right in. Chap. one and two: lyrics that are more Spike are starred at beginning and end. More Giles, they get a percent sign. You'll get the hang of it. Yes, another song-fic, but only the first two chaps, I swear...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns these guys, not me. The music rights are Alice's. (Love that snake!)Yada-Yada-Yada- not making money- will return them in a much happier state than I found them, emotionally and otherwise

 

In his dreams, she was still there, still lithe and vital and strong. In his dreams, she told him it was alright, that it had been her decision to go. In his dreams, she forgave his betrayal, assuaged the guilt that constantly threatened to consume him, whether he was awake or asleep. He never spoke to her, couldn't manage it, wouldn't accept her words as truth.....

%I can't find your face in a thousand masqueraders  
you're hidden in the colors of a million other lost charaders  
In life's big parade, I'm the loneliest spectator  
'Cause you're gone without a trace, in a sea of faceless imitators....%

He slept only because his body forced him to. He slept when he could no longer fight it off..... he'd begun to think of his days as purgatory, and sleep as his passageway to hell.....

%I can't take another night.... livin' inside this  
Hell is living without your  
love ain't nothin' without your  
touch me, heaven would be like  
hell is living without you.....%

The others, lost in their own grief, had left him to his after the first few days, seeing that he wanted no consolation, or at least would not find it in them. Once they'd all gone, he'd taken to bed, but quickly found sleep was not without risks. His first attempts to drown out his dark thoughts had involved copious amounts of alcohol and had only left him with a series of hangovers crushing down on top of his other miseries.

For the first time in his life, books had been no comfort and the thought of food left him nauseated. He had been reduced to playing his favorite hard rock and heavy metal CD's, tapes and albums over and over, praying the soul-deep sadness he could not seem to shake would just float away into the ethers with the music.

Even when he managed to find a little breathing room away from the heartache, another issue, which he'd been refusing to deal with for months before Dawn had even shown up in Sunnydale, reared its ugly head and filled the gap without an inch to spare. Stumbling in a fog composed of fatigue and hopelessness, he found himself headed for the downstairs bathroom, and whatever oblivion he might discover in the medicine cabinet.....

and then the doorbell rang.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

"Rupert? You 'ere? Hey! You home? Answer the damn door and lemme in already!"

The interruption to his mission had driven its purpose from his sleep deprived mind, so, slightly confused and mildly angry, Rupert Giles shuffled to the door, unlocked and opened it and almost shut it again immediately in the face of his visitor.

"Hey!" Spike retorted, preventing the door from shutting completely. "Not feeling rude today, are we?" he continued sarcastically.

"Go away, Spike. I'm not in anything like a mood for dealing with you right now...." he responded weakly, trying again to shut the door again, but having no more success than the first time.

"Look! Cut that out, now! I came to ask a favor, but..... I can see you're still hurtin' quite a bit, so...."

"Hurting? The man with the dead heart..... now presumes to know the level of my pain.... you... you tell fine jokes, Spike. You should go on stage...." Giles mumbled, turning away and moving back into the room. "Come in, if you feel you must.... then ask your favor and get out."

Distinctly uncomfortable with the state the apartment seemed to be in, and concerned with Giles' behavior, Spike moved past the threshold, but no farther.

"Right. Well.... it's this way, see. I have to travel for a few days an' lil' bit asked if she could stay here while I'm gone. I told her I'd see what you had t'say. Now I 'ave.... I'll go elsewhere. Sorry to intrude."

"Wait just a damn minute! What is that supposed to mean?"

"You don't even have a care for yourself right now, Rupert. Can't trust ya t'care fer lil' bit, can I? G'night."

"Spike!"

"Look, no arguin' about it okay? The place is a bleedin' wreck.... and so are you. Ring me up when you get yourself back together."

"You never loved her."

The words struck Spike's ears like his namesake weapon. Suddenly furious, he vamped, spun and rushed Giles, driving him backwards into the nearest convenient wall.

"I'll kill you for that. No guilt, no remorse. I will just fuckin' kill you....."

"Please...."

"Beggin' never did cut any slack with me. Just made me more pissed off...."

"No. Please kill me....."

Shocked, Spike backed off, his fury gone, replaced by anxiety.

"Damn. What the hell are.... do you even know what you're sayin'? Shit, I don't think you do. Look, Giles...."

Without warning, Giles leapt forward and attacked Spike, though his weakness left him little to fight with. Spike merely grabbed his wrists and held him off.

"Kill me, damn you! Kill me...."

"Stop this, now. I'm not doin' any such thing. We're all in pain, Rupert. You're not the only one who wanted to...."

Still struggling with Giles, Spike censored himself, understanding that if he returned to his own dark places he'd be back where Rupert was now in less than a minute, perhaps not even that long. Suddenly seeing his sorrow mirrored, however briefly, in Spike's eyes, Giles went still. His weeks long depression cracked, then shattered and began to fall away in the face of another's anguish for Buffy.

"Spike? Lord.... I'm sorry. I don't know...."

Gazing around the room, he grimaced at the sight. "Where have I been and for how long?"

"You been grieving, man, like we all have. No shame in it. You bein' a perfectionist an' all.... I guess you just felt like doin' it till ya got it right."

"Yes. Perhaps. This can't be my apartment.... it's a federal disaster area.."

"Kinda, but it can be fixed. You get upstairs and hit the mattress. I'll see what I can do 'bout this."

"No. It's my pigpen. I should do it myself...."

"You... couldn't pick up a used tissue." he joked gently, turning Giles and pushing him toward the stairs. "Go. I'll call Dawnie and let her know I'll be here for a while. Come down when ya wake up an' I'll fix ya somethin' t'eat if you're up for it."

Reluctantly, Giles went, feeling that maybe he would sleep peacefully for once. Halfway up the stairs, he turned to watch Spike replace the phone, move into the kitchen and return with a large trash bag into which he began to stuff some of the many empty liquor bottles that lay strewn around the room.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

When he awoke the following morning, Giles stretched his neck a little to see the bedside clock and discovered it was already ten-thirty. Rising slowly, he drew his favorite cotton robe toward him, then changed his mind and decided he felt like actually wearing clothes. For the first time in several days he grabbed a towel and headed for the shower. As the water sluiced over him he could almost feel the last flakes of his self-imposed cocoon of isolation and wretchedness leave him.

Moving back to his room, he pulled on a simple polo shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans, stepped into a pair of loafers and made his way downstairs and into the kitchen for his toast and tea, only to find it already hot and waiting for him and Spike just finishing the dishes.

"I didn't expect you to still be here. Who's watching Dawn?"

"Lil' bit's pretty used t'me bein' out nights. I called to be sure she didn't need nothin' urgently. Says she's fine an' she understood you havin' the more pressin' need. How're you doin'?"

"Better. Much.... better. I.... I want to thank you, but that doesn't seem like enough, somehow."

"No need. She'd expect no less of me."

"Dawn?"

"Buffy."

"Yes. Spike. Did you notice anything strange about our little.... fight last evening?"

"No. Why? Did you?"

"Yes, actually. You drove me into the wall quite hard.... but you didn't feel any pain in the bargain."

Turning from the sink to face Giles, Spike's expression clearly showed his astonishment.

"Cor, you're right. Well, well and well. Happy birthday to me. Think it, like.... broke?"

"More likely it shorted out when.... that night. A sudden burst of intense emotion, too much electrical energy floating around the brain..... zap."

"Yeah. Zap. I like that." Spike repeated, chuckling low.

"Yes. You have changed your mind about Dawn, I hope. A mild concussion and fifteen hours of sleep have served me well I think."

" 'Course I have. Told her this mornin' you were back with the livin' and she could come here after the shop. She's been hangin' round there most days.... just to be with familiar faces, ya know. Keeps her....."

"From doing what I did? It's alright. I understand. I got lost, but you dragged me back onto the path. I'll be alright now." Giles told him, rising to walk him out to the front door.

"Someone had to, watcher-boy. If I read you right, you were on the edge of doin' somethin' fairly stupid when I showed up."

"Perhaps. I don't remember all that much."

"Judgin' by the number a'vodka and Glenfiddich bottles I dustbinned, I'm not surprised. You take care a'yourself, and keep both eyes on Dawnie. No more a'that."

"No. Have a good trip, William."

Almost out the door, for the second time in two days, Spike whipped back around to glare at Giles, fury in his eyes.

"That... is not my name. Use it again, an' I'll bleed you dry. Got me?"

"I... I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you are. You and all your kind."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me fine. Do what I told you."

"What you told me? I have a mother back in England, thank you very much, and I am no one's slave! Why do you do this? You're perfectly fine one minute, the next you're a..... a sullen, sniping child. I shall never understand you....."

As had happened the day before, in his anger Spike allowed his demon to surface once again. This time, he rocked back and forth, heel to toe on both feet, hands clenching and relaxing, as if trying to maintain control, but it lasted only a minute. In a flash of motion, Giles was once again pinned to a wall, held there by two inhumanly strong hands on his shoulders and a vampire two inches from his face.

"I may not be your mum, watcher-boy..... but I can be your master.... as easy as this." he growled, switching his grip swiftly to the watchers' throat. "See.... what you need to understand.... is that you human feebs are the lowest form of life on the planet..... and that Dawnie.... is the only one left out of your entire, worthless race of worms.... I'd ever raise a fingernail to save again!"

"Don't do this.... gahhhh..... I don't want this an.... anymore....."

"I do. I should have done this the day we met. I'm not gonna kill you, sweets..... just... change your life.... or should I say unlife....."

"No! God, no...."

His panic rising uncontrollably, Giles squeezed his eyes shut and tried to prepare himself for the pain about to be visited on him. The only injury he received, however, was a slightly worse headache than he already had as Spike shoved his head into the wall, releasing his victim and moving away to stalk the living room.

"Bloody..... I've waited all this time, waitin' to be able to drain off a skinbag 'stead of a plastic one.... Now it's right under my claws..... no pain to punish me, and I still can't feed! Grahhhhh! I'm turnin' into freakin' Angel!"

Massaging his bruised throat, Giles felt an immediate, and perfect, reply come to his lips, but pushed it back.

{I can't. Dawn clings to him like a security blanket. If I push him too far and he does hurt me... or, God please forbid it, turn me, Dawn will never forgive him and she needs the stability...... Oh, to hell with it. Dawn will have Willow, Tara and the others......and I've wanted to use this line for years.}

"I know Angel. I consider myself a friend of Angel's, and let me tell you.... you are no Angel."

Smiling viciously, fangs gleaming in the pale light, Spike slammed Giles back the inch or two the smaller man had moved away from the wall, holding him in place by the chin.

"That was all I needed. Won't you ever learn to shut your mouth? Hard as it is, I'm gonna bleed you anyway.... let your buddies try and catch me."

Ever so slowly, Spike leaned in close to Giles neck, nuzzling and barely nipping with his fangs, trying to prolong the moments before he fed, desiring a higher plateau of fear that would make the meal sweeter. Giles obliged, terror flooding his body with adrenaline, but within moments another, equally intense reaction added its two cents to the mix and the would-be victim groaned almost inaudibly, praying Spike would get it over with before he died of shame and disgust.

%Your cruel device, your blood like ice  
one look could kill, my pain, your thrill....%

{I'm not ready to face this yet, damn it, I'm not! God of the stupidity prone, if you'll just make him sink into the floor, make him lighter than air... anything, I will swear eternal allegiance.}

The watcher keened inwardly as he felt Spike's large hand snake between their bodies to discover the evidence of Giles' arousal. {Shit! The universe just couldn't give me that kind of good karma when I really need it.....}

Abruptly, the oppressive aura of violence and rage the vamp had built up burst like a soap bubble and his attitude did an instant 180 turn-around.

"What the hell...."

"If you're going to turn me, do it now!" he shouted, one hand coming up to cover his eyes. "Please, God, do it now..... after this I have no reason to live any longer anyway..... I'll be the laughingstock of Sunnydale..... I'd rather cut the Master's toenails...." he mumbled more softly.

Instead of complying, Spike braced his hands on either side of Rupert's head, leaned back in and whispered in the others' ear.

"Nope. Don't think so, Rupert. Tell me..... what did it, hmmm? Was it the fangs, or me bein' so close? Probly the fangs.... How long have you wanted, me, ducks? How long have you been dreaming of me wrapping my hands.... and my lips around that sweet-meat between your legs? Tell me...."

A rage of his own boiling up inside him now, Giles laid his hands against Spike's chest and pushed him away.

%You come on strong with a great big smile  
but your teeth are as sharp as a crocodile.

You promise me the moon and the stars and the sun  
but you never did nothin' for anyone.....

There used to be a time when you were the best,  
you had the fastest tongue in the West.

You gave a look and a line like nobody else.  
You'd try to sell the Bible to the devil himself.....%

"Excuse me? Is that any way to respond to a properly begun intimate proposal?"

"Get out! Stop laughing at me and get out."

"Who said I was laughing?"

"You must be balmy! Spike not taking advantage of a clear opportunity to humiliate me.... it wouldn't be Spike."

Gracefully, slowly, his expression so solemn and un-Spike like that Giles felt a million and one doubts and questions suddenly assault him, the vampire moved back close to the older man until their noses were touching, and spoke so softly that Rupert had to strain to hear him.

"You're right. But.... I'm not always Spike..... and I'm.... not.... laughing."

"Stop... if your intent is to make a fool of me.... please stop."

Spike kissed him lightly on the forehead. The watcher's eyes slipped closed and shivering began to rack his entire frame until he was sure his body was about to shake apart at the joints.

***I'm dressed in black, I'm a heart attack  
and my draw is lightnin' quick

If you're lookin' for a man with magic hands  
I can really do the trick.....

If someone's givin' you trouble, I'll be there on the double,  
Just call me on the line.

I got a muscle I can flex that'll fog your little specs  
'till you think you're goin blind....***

"I told you it isn't. Can I touch you again? Let me touch you.... just once, hmmm? Please?"

"No.... God, I can't let this happen...." Giles mumbled, his words utterly unconvincing, even to his own ears, the skin of his face and hands suddenly chilled as blood rushed away from them and sent its heat elsewhere.

"Yeah, you can. It's alright to want it.... need it. A man gets lonely, tired of pleasurin' himself.... someone else, even a pain in the hindquarters like me, can make it better. Let loose watcher-boy. Let go.... and lemme make it better...."

%I used to be so in control  
but reality is losing its hold.  
Now, I don't know where to begin  
Just look at the state that I'm in  
My mind is in total decay%

***I'm coming to take you away...."***

"Please... no.... God help me, please.... don't...." Giles whispered, even as his body took control and settled the argument, surrendering and relaxing into the easy caresses and slow movements of a willing pair of hands.

"Relax.... That's it. This is good.... I hate the jeans with millions of buttons and a snap and.....supposed to be fashion.... when you're hot an' bothered.... they're just frustratin'. No tightie whities? You little scamp you.... let's see, now.... Holy mother of.... you really got somethin' here don't ya? Hardly get my fingers around it.... Never woulda' guessed." Spike chuckled, freeing his hand despite Giles soft protest noises. "S'alright, luv. Easy, now. Decisions must be made." he murmured, stepping away to allow Giles freedom of movement.

Giles immediately took the offer and strode several steps into the room, breathing heavily and holding his jeans closed with one hand.

"I.... don't understand."

"It's like that insipid game show.... Who Wants to Be, ya know? I ask a question, ya clear your head and think on it, then give me a final answer."

"Ask. Just a warning, I'm very well read."

"Cute, sweets, real cute. Look, your body's beggin for it, but any man's would after all this time by his lonesome. I won't go forward on a blush an' a tingle. Your million dollar question is... what do you want?"

Standing with his back turned to Spike, Giles worked frantically to clear the lust fog from his brain and logically analyze the past few minutes of his life. Once he was able to think, the answer seemed obvious, but he knew it wouldn't end up being that simple.

He'd been rejecting this growing part of him, rejecting himself, for over a year and a half and, until five minutes ago, acceptance had still seemed unattainable; un-crossable light-years away.

Until five minutes ago.

Slowly, he faced Spike, gazed intently into his eyes for a long moment, then moved past him and up the stairs. "Hey. A, B, C or D?"

Pausing near the top, Giles cleared a suddenly tight, dry throat and spoke.

"This is all the answer I can give you, for now at least. Coming?"

Grinning, Spike shook his head a little and sauntered after Giles, finding he was eagerly anticipating the hours ahead.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

TBC.....


	2. 2

Reaching the bedroom a minute or so ahead of Spike, Rupert stood in the center of the room, his expression lost and frightened. The warning voice that he usually counted on to keep him safe in truly awful, deadly situations suddenly spoke up.

^What on God's green earth do you think you're doing Rupert Anthony Giles?!^

He listened for a moment then shut it off. He had no real idea of what he was doing. He only knew that admitting that to himself would inevitably lead to him backing away from something his body obviously needed and wanted..... and from the thoughts, feelings and fantasies he could no longer avoid investigating, even if the catalyst had to be Spike.

%I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)  
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop  
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (too much)  
I want to taste you but your lips are venemous poison...%

^Or is it.... especially if it's Spike?^ a new, darkly disturbing voice whispered from unexplored caverns at the bottom of his mind. He crushed that one much faster and far more savagely than he had the previous one. There were some possibilities he might never be ready to face.....

As Spike entered and laid his hands on the Watcher's shoulders, images from past daydreams were floating through Giles' mind; Xander.... Wesley..... Riley.... Angel....  
When he realized Spike was speaking to him, he reluctantly pulled out of his reveries.

"Sorry. I was.... pondering. What was that you said?"

"I said that there's one last question you need to answer. It's vital you be honest with me, yeh? No fibbin' or fudgin'. This is important."

"Go on."

"Have ya been on this roller-coaster before..... or only thought about buyin' a ticket?"

Giles tried to speak up quickly, not ashamed of the answer, but found his throat suddenly too constricted to allow the words freedom. His silence was all the response Spike needed.

"S'okay, luv. We all have a first, don't we? Some of us are just lucky enough to get two. What say.... we get these gone, hmmm?" he purred, reaching around Giles' waist from behind and slowly tugging his jeans down over his hips.

Startled, the other pulled away a little.

"No! I mean.... I'm sorry. Would you mind if I...."

" 'Course not. Next time or the time after.... you'll beg me to strip ya. That's a vow."

"Yes, well.... not, I think, today...." Rupert mumbled, trying in vain to keep his hands from shaking badly enough that Spike would notice.

"Don't bother, luv. I shook the first time, too. Natural. 'Sides, I can hear your heart and breathin' runnin' like a freight train. Give you away, they do. Tell ya what. You get outta the clothes, I'm gonna go throw these sheets and such in the wash and get clean ones."

Fingers fumbling and missing their grip on edges of clothing, Rupert finally, after several minutes, managed to divest himself of jeans and shirt. Spike remained silent, using the task of making the bed to keep his normally rebellious tongue under control, knowing any of the lewd, but appropriate, comments he wanted to make might scare his potential partner into abandoning the day's entertainments completely. He wasn't about to risk that when a mystery he'd wondered about for a long while was his to solve at last.

***First we're gonna kiss, then we're gonna say  
dirty little words only lovers say.  
Rockin' through the night, rollin' on the floor,  
when they hear us screamin' they'll be breakin down the door...."***

"Take a seat, now.... that's right, just on the end of the bed here." Spike instructed, swiftly losing his own clothes and moving to kneel at the other mans feet. "Relax, okay? This is gonna be sweet. You're in for the experience of your life, I guarantee it. You and me are gonna rock the fuckin' planet off its foundations, I can just tell..... Ease up.... open the knees for me.... let me at that beast again..... you want me to touch you, Rupert. Don't let your damn head overrule your body..... you need this..... that's the way. Righhht.....Good. Lord, what a monster..... the things I can show you, luv, you've never imagined in your wildest fantasies..... I can't wait.... for now, though.... beginners level....."

One hand on either side of Rupert's semi-erect prick, Spike began stroking up and down, alternating gentle caresses with fast, almost rough movements until he knew the other was close to orgasm, then squeezing firmly at the base, easing the urgent need for release. He moved through this cycle twice more before he was ready to finish. "No stopping this time, W-B. Let go. Yell and scream for it, luv. C'mon. Quit holdin back! Open your mouth, damn it!"

"I.. I can't....."

"You know the words. Say em! Drop the fuckin' Brit reserve and ask for what ya want!"

%I used to be so in control.....%

Chin to his chest, neck muscles corded, Giles tried with every ounce of strength he had to keep his head on straight, but, as it had done downstairs, his body won the day, severing and burning the communication lines to his logic circuits and giving his mouth free reign.

"Don't stop.... if you stop now.... I'll hunt you down.....and stake you..... then.... ressurect you..... and do it again...... Ahhhhh! Hurry! I have to come.... please..... faster.....!"

"There ya go. Good man. Here it comes... feel it, luv? Gimme all of it.... show me somethin'.... that's it..... lift up.... let your body do what it wants to....."

When Rupert finally began to orgasm, it was so powerful that his body vibrated faintly, head to toe, for nearly five minutes after it faded. Sighing out a decidedly shaky breath, he lifted the elbows he'd been supporting himself on and dropped onto his back, panting with exhaustion and filled with wonder.

"You alright?"

"Must be.... a better word than that.... amazed, stunned, astounded, stupefied....."

"Then we're pleased."

"Quite."

"Good. Haven't lost my touch. Ready to move on, luv?"

"Give me.... one second to.... catch my breath.... then, yes."

"When you're ready, slide up and get your head on the pillows. Now that the urgency is outta the way.... we can play a little.... and take our time about it."

"One rule?" Rupert requested as his breathing eased and he moved back toward the head of the bed.

"Only one? Expected about a hundred outta you before we even got started. Yeah. Okay. What?" he agreed, crawling after him.

"No biting. You keep your.... other needs under strict control. What you were doing earlier...... downstairs, obviously some part of me.... I mean, I liked....."

"An' I like the part of you that liked it. Reasonable request, I suppose. You got it. Nibblin', nippin' an' lickin' of the neck are alright.... but no drinkin'. That all?"

"What? Oh. Yes. I believe that should be...."

Abruptly, Spike was inches from Rupert's face again, sliding his glasses off and placing them gently on the night table. The vampire held Giles' attention unwaveringly, seeming to be trying to feed the watcher some of his own intensity through their locked gazes.

"No, luv. You're slidin' back into your safe little world a'books and words. I don't want you there. I want you here with me, drownin' in sensation.... an' want an' need, until the words leave you an' all you can do is moan..... scream.... cry..... an' beg. Are you here, now, Rupert? Truly here?" Spike almost whispered, his ice blue eyes darkening with the effort of keeping Rupert in touch with his bodys' needs instead of retreating into his head.

"Yes. I'm here. I.... I'm here."

"Every touch, every stroke should be sharp an' clean. You should be feelin' it down to your toenails." Spike told him, as he began stroking an lightly pinching the other's nipples. "Do ya?" he asked, purring seductively a bare millimeter from Rupert's right ear.

"Mmmmm..... and back..... that is so good....."

"That's the way, luv..... tell me where to touch you..... tell me how ya want it to feel.... where is it sensitive, hmmmm? Besides here, I mean....." he growled softly, vamping just for a moment to nip the hot spot on the watchers neck he'd discovered earlier.

"Ahhhh! Not..... not yet..... too soon....."

"I know, sweets. Just teasin' is all. Let's try this."

Sliding down a few inches, Spike applied his tongue and lips to the others' chest, his fingers caressing slowly from Rupert's hips up to his ribcage and back down. When the Watcher's hand curled around the back of his head and tangled in his short blond tresses, Spike pulled away for a brief moment to grin up at the older man, then returned to his work.

"N.... noone's ever done this for me..... to me......in.... incredible......"

" 'Tis that." the vamp chuckled, wriggling down farther to attack his lovers' navel with restrained ferocity, licking, suckling and tugging gently with his human teeth on the remnant of birth cord as he would have a woman's most tender flesh. Giles' immediate reaction was to groan loudly and arch his back. "Yeahhhh.... that's what I've been waitin' for.... for you to show me how bad you need this. Time for me to play boa constrictor, is it? Time for me to unhinge the jaw and do some swallowin'?"

A few moments later, Rupert felt cool moist puffs of breath on his inner thigh. Inexplicably, he sensed an alarm switch flip in his brain, terror flooded his body and he clamped his legs together.

"Rupe?"

"I'm sorry...... I.... I don't know why.... what to do...... I'm frightened......Oh, shit....." he cried, squeezing his eyes shut, which forced a tear or two down his cheeks. Spike was kneeling at his side in a flash.

"What's up, luv? You were more a wild child in your youth than I ever was in mine. You're no virgin, at least not to a good tongue-lashin'. We both know that. What's to be afraid of?"

"Haven't a bloody clue."

Stroking Rupert's face lightly, Spike relaxed him and brought him down with touch and soft words.

"Let it happen, then. You want me to do it.... you know you do. I'm a master at it. Ask Angel someday. I can make you scream in so many different ways..... you do want this, don't ya? You want me to hit every hot spot on that massive brute of a prick three times over..... until you blow harder than the first time. I know you want this.... ya want me..... Tell me how much....."

"Right now.... more than life itself, but I don't know if I can....."

"Shut your eyes, ducks. I'll fix this. See if I don't."

Starting at the feet and moving up, Spike slowly began to soothe the fear-induced tension out of Rupert's lower body with firm massage. Within ten minutes, the watcher's face bore a calm smile and his knees had fallen open. "Better?"

"Much. Look, I'm...."

"Hush. I gotta concentrate....."

Realizing the other's fear could return at any moment, Spike kept every move he made gentle and slow, until Rupert's cries and moans told him pleasure had overcome panic. At that moment, he vamped for the final push, wanting all his senses heightened, and was delighted to discover that the Watcher's prick just fit between his fangs. Slowly at first, then speeding up as they both got closer, Spike slid his extended canines up and back, alternately licking and sucking, until Rupert screamed incoherently and exploded in his mouth, bucking his hips up over and over.

Finally, Spike released him, crawling up until they were face to face and falling on the watcher's mouth for a fiery, sixty second kiss that left them both stunned and panting.

"Told ya you'd scream for me. Know what? Fear sweetens blood. I've always known that, but I just got clued in..... sweetens somethin' else too." he informed Rupert with a wicked grin.

"Is that what I taste?" he replied, tentatively licking his lips.

"Yah. It on a freakin stick, ain't it?"

"Hmm. Yes."

"You ready to play the final chukker, here? I won't push. The day's been marvelous so far. Ya don't have to. I want to show ya everything..... but ya don't have to."

Staring up into eyes he had never conceived he'd be seeing from this position unless he were about to be killed or turned, Rupert breathed deeply a few times, smiled lightly and gave Spike the answer his heart and body were begging him to give, tying a mental gag around his common sense and better judgment.

"There's a.... jar of petroleum jelly..... in the bathroom down the hall."

" 'Kay, luv. Be right back."

Alone with his thoughts for a few moments, Rupert found a favorite song lyric running around his brain. He marveled how the words seemed right for this moment, even speaking to his long denial of what... who, he was

%Try to walk away, when I see the time I've wasted.  
Starving at a feast, and all this wine I've never tasted.....%

When Spike strolled back into the bedroom with the jelly, Rupert sat up, suddenly wondering if he would survive the last phase of his "education". His hands fiddled idly with a loose thread on the bedspread, his eyes remained glued to his hands.

"Hey, you. Still with me?"

"What? Yes. I'm... definitely still here." he replied distractedly, unable to look up, unable to face what Spike held and the implications of it.

"Look at me, Rupert. Meet my eyes an' do it right this minute, ya hear?" the vampire commanded, not with any real anger, but in a tone that clearly said no was unacceptable.

Though it confused and, strangely, saddened him, the watcher heard his father in that tone of voice and responded as he always had; he sat up straight, placed his hands in view and did as he'd been told. "Better. You're afraid, yeah?"

"Of course I am. Fear of the pain, fear of losing control..... fear of disappointing you." he replied, the last said so quietly that Spike immediately asked for a repeat performance.

"No. Come out with it. I want to know."

"It isn't important. Not really...."

Again, Rupert felt his chin grasped firmly, his hazel eyes held fast by two chips of cool summer sky that were rapidly deepening to a shade reminiscent of the Caribbean seen from above.

"If you thought enough of it to speak it..... then it is important..... and I want to hear it."

%.... Yeah, it's only, only, only, only my heart talkin,  
sayin' things I never thought I'd say.  
Can't you hear me knockin'?  
Tried to fool you, but it wouldn't play  
cause my heart was talkin'.  
Yeah it's talkin', baby it's talkin', talkin' to you....%

"I... I said I'm afraid of..... letting you down. I don't want to.... damn." he finally sighed, his brow furrowing in a mild frown.

"Is disappoint the word you're searching for?"

"Yes, damn it."

"Lord. So that's what's kept you so well and truly stuck in a Scotch bottle for the past three weeks. You think you failed her."

"Are we doing this or not, damn it? Before Dawn gets here I still have to clean and grocery shop....." the Watcher groused, making motions as if he were going to get up. Hands on Rupert's knees, Spike let loose his demon just enough to access a little extra strength and effectively pinned the other man to the bed.

"Saying that makes ya feel better, does it?"

"It seems to. Damn it, damn it damn it!"

"Okay. Got that out of your system, now? Good, 'cause it seems you got somethin' foul and dirty and untrue messin' up that human soul a'yours, and you clean nothin'..... 'till ya clean that."

"Don't do this. You have no right...."

"I do so. I won't be responsible for you crawlin' back into a black hole the minute I leave here. You were her protector, her truth teller when the truth was ugly and nasty and she didn't wanna hear it..... and now it looks like I gotta be yours. You didn't let her down, luv. The minute she climbed that tower, she wasn't yours to let down..... nor mine either. She never was really. She belonged to somethin'..... beyond all of us. They took her back..... that's all. She did what needed doin' an' the rest of us are still here, able to mourn her, remember her..... an' move on to what comes next."

"And that is?"

"Up t'you. It comes down to the same question, don't it? What do you want?"

"Last night..... I was so damned tired and depressed..... and lost. I just wanted it all to stop being so bloody..... painful."

"An' now?"

"Now. Now is..... good. Better at any rate. It's still too damn, bloody painful...."

"I know."

Reaching out slowly, Spike stroked a hand down Rupert's face, brushing away the tears that hung there. "Can I help? Can you let me take it away for a while?"

Raising his eyes to Spike's, Rupert smiled gratefully and nodded.

"God in heaven, yes. Please...."

"Feel like helpin' me get ready?"

Again, his partner nodded, less confidently this time. "Good. Take your time. This ain't somethin' you rush through. Start slow an' easy..... yeah.... not bad, W-B. Firm up the grip a bit.... better...... a little harder now..... stroke the vein..... mmmm..... you do learn quickly, luv...... "

"You'll have to tell me when to stop. I don't want to push too far."

"You can tell that.... all by yourself.....eyes open, sweets..... when my.... nads start to draw up a little.... ease off....."

The promised signal came ten minutes later. Rupert backed off of the stimulation and, smiling gently in response, the vampire guided the older man onto his back again and slipped the thickest pillow available under his hips. Opening the jar, he drew out a small amount of the yellow substance on one finger.

"You need to relax as much as ya can, here, luv. The cooler you can stay..... the easier this'll be. Just one finger.... shouldn't hurt...... feels good, yeah? That's the way.... stay calm.... an' cool."

"It feels.... bizarre..... unreal....."

"Trust me," he assured him as he slid a second finger in, "in a minute it's gonna get incredibly real.... your stretchin' out nicely.... don't tense up on me, darlin, alright.....one more finger.... an' you'll be ready for me....."

"No, I..... don't.... it won't work..... God, it burns....."

"That'll stop soon.... here we come..... third one.... good.... almost home...... just a tad more stretching out....."

"Ahhhhh..... please stop..... take them out! The pain....."

"I am, luv, I am. You're ready now. Ready for me. I promise I'll do this slow....just a little bit.... a little way inside."

Some part of Spike intensely disliked the pain he knew he was causing his lover, but the greater part only knew the pleasure and would not allow him to back away. Despite Rupert's shouts and cries for relief, Spike kept up a slow, constant pressure until the head of his cock popped past the ring of muscle and into the tight, dark space beyond. He held still for a few moments, allowing the other man to become accustomed to the strange sensation, then began thrusting slowly in and back out, a inch or two deeper with each forward movement, until he was fully seated within the Watchers body.

%I'm crossing the line in my brain,  
the line between pleasure and pain.

It takes all I've got to survive.  
This madness will eat me alive....%

To Rupert, it seemed an eternity and more before the pain retreated and his nerve endings began to register that something even faintly pleasurable was happening to his body. From clenched teeth and hands full of the sheets beneath him, he gradually moved to open mouthed gasping, hands stroking his lover's back in slow, random patterns, occasionally gripping hard enough to draw a tiny rivulet of blood.

Sensing the Watcher had at last moved beyond the pain, Spike began to speed up his movements. With a soft growl of delight, he vamped and began to nibble and lick his lovers' neck. Moments later, both fell over the edge into intense orgasms, one crying out his triumph in meaningless sounds, the other close behind, shouting a single word.

"Willlliam!"

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More than an hour later, Spike finally found the energy to slip carefully and gently out of his new lover. For several minutes he lay on his back, eyes closed, trying to stay quiet and not wake Rupert, but hearing him stir, he spoke softly.

"Crikey..... and mothers' giblet gravy as well. Not much could top this day. I knew we'd toss the world about a bit, but that....."

Rupert sighed and began to slowly sit up, but Spike stopped him and pushed him back down.

"Hold on a mo', 'kay? Lemme see..... shit. As I thought. You're bleedin' a bit. Stay there 'till I come back with a cold compress, yeh? You'll be sore for a few days, I'd wager."

Gazing at Spike as he rose from the tangle of bedclothes, utterly unselfconscious about of his state of undress, Rupert felt his cock twitch, wanting to begin the game anew, but desire was swiftly overruled by a deep flash of pain from elsewhere.

"It was well worth it.... I can feel the change....I did need this.... something or someone to prove to me my heart was still beating. Since Buffy..... I've been half alive, not even that most days. You were right. I... I think you've saved my life that night. Saved it then and gave it back to me today. Thank you."

"Yeah, well, we do what we can, don't we? Stay down. I'll be right back."

"Spike?"

"What?" the vampire responded in mild irritation. "Can't it wait two minutes for God's sake?"

"I'm.... I'm sorry. I just had a thought. If I could top today, what would you say?"

"We'll see, that's what I say. I'll hear ya out when I get back."

True to his word, it was less than two minutes before Spike returned with a cold damp cloth and applied it to the injury he'd caused. Rupert gasped at the temperature, but didn't push it away. "So? What's this genius dirty idea?"

"Good Lord that's cold! Well.... afterwards.... I couldn't help thinking of someone.... two someone's. That's no insult to you, I promise. I just.... damn it. It's too hard to explain."

"We're not starting that again."

A laugh bubbling from him suddenly, Rupert smiled.

"No. No more multiples of curse words. Don't need it anymore."

"Right. So, someone who? I've always lusted for redheads, but witchy woman stepped over the line in the other direction. Anya's a hottie....."

"Not them.... not the ladies."

Spike's smile widened and he repeated the question.

"Ohhhh. Someone who?"

"Xander.... and Wesley. I considered Angel, but he'd never....."

"Not anymore. Did once, all the time. He and I were well suited that way.... a long time ago. Now, he snarls if I even mention it in 'is presence. So. Wimpy Woossy Puke an' the geek. Weird choices, but...."

"You wouldn't think so if you'd bothered to look at Xander's upper body lately. Wesley.... he's simply hotter than a ten foot high bonfire during an August heatwave.....in hell."

"We all have our opinions, luv. Don't see it myself, but... How about Cap'n Cardboard? He due home soon?"

"Don't know. I can find out."

"Do. Now there's a pretty specimen. Tall, dark and muscles out to eternity. I'd give up nearly as much for an evenin' with him.... as I did for a day with you."

"You mean you gave up more than.... heh, the obvious." Rupert had tossed back lightly, before he remembered that laughing at Spike was never a good idea. The vamp hardly seemed to notice, however.

***".... sayin' things I never thought I'd say.  
Can't you hear me knockin'?  
Tried to fool you, but it wouldn't play  
cause my heart was talkin'....."***

"I gave up Spike tonight, ya silly git. I never..... get that, never, show anyone who I used to be.... the man only Drusilla knew. Buffy too, those last few weeks..... but not as much. She never let me close enough for her to see it. Couldn't.... reconcile the changes, I suppose."

"Yes. I did sense that... conflict in her. Just as she was beginning to trust you...."

"Yeah. In the words of a wise man; damn it."

"I like the other side of you, and I'm very honored to have met him, but... if I might? I don't think that's precisely who was here today. It felt more like a combination. Spike's confidence, charisma and power melded into..... the other's compassion and heart."

"You can use the name, now..... I guess. Still detest it, but comin' outta your mouth..... it's a little less nauseatin'. You're right, ya know? If you'd shut down and backed off a cock-suckin' on Spike he would have slapped ya unconscious and taken ya anyway. William woulda fainted at the blood. Somewhere in the middle, then."

"A compromise?"

"Yeh. A compromise." he murmured quietly, removing the now warm cloth. "You can try sittin up, now. Slow an' easy."

As he cautiously pushed into a sitting position, Rupert turned a curious gaze on his new lover.

"Could you live in the world as that compromise? It made you exactly what I needed today. Neither side on its own would have seen me through this.... life-affirming experience intact. It could only make you a better father to Dawn. The rest of us who care for her could certainly live with it."

"Don't know. I'll hafta see. Could be worth a try. Well, what say we go shower, hmmm?."  
William suggested, lifting Rupert slowly onto his feet and supporting him until he could walk more easily.

"Yes. A shower is a must for us both. Tell me it isn't this painful the second time?"

" Not usually, luv. Unless ya get someone really..... shit. I didn't think this out....."

"What?"

"I ain't received in a few decades.... and you're a bit.... bigger than average, sweets. Angel-boy, he wasn't near your....well. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, won't we?"

"It's alright. By the time I'm ready....."

"True, true. You an' me might work after all, ducks. Jus' might."

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	3. 3

EARLY TUESDAY MORNING, THE FOLLOWING WEEK

Drenched in sweat, trembling violently, Xander Harris lay beside his girlfriend Anya, praying she had not been disturbed by his abrupt awakening. When she stirred and laid a hand over his, he tossed out a mild mental curse for her sensitivity to his every shift of mood and turned slightly to face her.

"I'm okay. Go back to sleep, An."

"I thought we agreed not to lie to each other. You are not alright. It was that nightmare again, wasn't it?"

Xander hesitated, then sighed and told her what he had told her in the past, despite knowing he was lying to her and despite knowing what he would have to endure when she found out.

"Yeah, but it was no clearer than last time, so let's not do this. Please?"

"That's the fourth time in a week you've had this nightmare, Xander. There's more to this than you're telling me."

Xander's expression hardened the tiniest bit as he swung his legs out of bed, rose to his feet and grabbed his robe.

"It's over, I'm fine now and I have to get ready for work. I'll start the coffee."

"Xander, please don't shut me out like this. I'm scared for you.... and I don't like being scared. You know it irritates me."

A second, more explosive and frustrated sigh came from Xander, but he did not turn back to look at the redhead behind him

"If I could tell you anything more about this nigh.... dream, I would. I haven't had it for a long time. I don't know why it's suddenly back. I don't know what it means. Drop it, okay?"

Forestalling any further argument, Xander stalked out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen, still shaken by the images that, despite his protestations to Anya, he believed he understood all too well.

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THAT EVENING: THE GILES HOME

"Excellent. Three days, then. Yes. I look forward to it. I was planning on Friday night to Monday morning. Around.... seven? No, thank you, Xander. I appreciate you making the time. I won't guarantee a.... a blast, but I will try. Goodbye."

Stabbing at the cutoff button, Giles began to dial again, feeling his anxiety melt when Spike pushed his thumbs deep into the older man's shoulder and neck muscles, massaging firmly.

"So he's comin'?"

"He said so. One down, one to go." he responded as the other end of the line began to ring.

"Wyndham-Angel Investigations. How may I direct your call?"

"Cordelia? It's Giles. Is Wesley there, by any chance?"

"Hey, Giles. It's good to hear your voice! You sound great. Yeah, Wes is around here somewhere. Shoot. We don't have hold music. Hum some old Barry Manilow tune or something. I'll be back in a jiffy."

A few minutes later, Wesley picked up the phone, mumbling, at first, to Cordelia in the background.

"Cordy, please! Anything but Manilow! 70's music is nothing more than a demon no one's gotten up the fortitude to kill yet. Rupert! It's marvelous to hear from you. No further tragedies, I trust."

"No, just the opposite, actually. I think enough time has passed..... I've planned a small party. Nothing extravagant. I simply thought we might all be ready for something.... life-affirming."

"Absolutely. When?"

"Three days from tonight. Seven p.m.?"

"Wonderful. Unless we end up mired in something apocalyptic or similarly messy, I'll be there."

"Good. See you then. Plan on the weekend."

"I will. Good-bye, Rupert."

"Good-bye, Wesley."

Grinning ear to ear, Giles gazed at Spike curiously. "This is going to be a weekend for the ages."

"May be, Rupe. May be. Personally, I can't wait to watch their faces when they suss out what we're really up to. That's gonna be a laugh a minute, that is."

"Not for long, hopefully."

"Right. I'd prefer to move right on to screamin', yellin' and beggin for more."

"Me as well, sweet William. Me as well."

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

FRIDAY NIGHT

"You sure now? If you really want Xander that bad... it means me an' Wesley'll be..... This won't be happenin' if you ain't really sure."

"I told you, I'm positive. I'd rather share you than be puerile about it and drive you away. I'm healed completely and eager to get on, or couldn't you tell last night?" he bantered, smiling lightly at the vamp who lazed idly in one of the living room chairs, his languid posture utterly belying the ardor and excitement in his eyes every time he looked up at the older man standing by the stairs. "Shouldn't they be here by now?"

"We told 'em seven. It's only.... two minutes after. Relax."

"I'm trying. It's just.... I'm afraid they'll.... I don't know..... precisely."

Rising easily, Spike moved to stand close behind Giles. Reaching out he slipped one of the watcher's sweaty hands into his own and held it gently, running a thumb slowly up and down the side of the palm.

"Let's see. You're thinkin' they'll call us filthy minded freakazoids an' run screamin' from the house to spread our little secret all over Sunnydale and L.A.?"

Turning his gaze away from the door to focus briefly on the new and improved Spike, Giles frowned deeply.

"Quite."

"An' if they did? In the past three days you've probly told me a thousand plus times that you're not ashamed a'what we did..... or me."

"I'm not, that's the God's honest truth, but... I think they will be. I don't want to lose them as friends.... just because they can't accept me, accept the decision I've made not to.... deny the truth any longer."

"Hey. They didn't chuck the witches in the dustbin, did they?"

"No, but there are major differences in our situations. You and I are adults, supposed role-models. We're also male, which is a tremendous distinction for some people. What if...."

Spike chuckled, wrapped his arms around Giles' midsection and spoke low and close to the other's right ear.

"What if they agree? Yer wound up so tight right now the first one to shake yer hand is gonna send you straight through the ceiling. Don't know about you, but havin' to clean up all that plaster dust an' all the busted up roof beams would throw me right outta this wonderful mood we've created."

Instantly seeing the image, Giles began to laugh, doubled over slightly within the circle of Spike's embrace, his angst level dropping to almost nothing.

"Dear Lord, you're right. Whatever will be, will be. Besides, " he said, reaching back to touch the cool skin of Spike's cheek, "I have you for the moment. Even if it can't be forever, that will be more than enough to keep me grounded, sober and sane if the rest of them all turn their backs."

"Too bloody right." Spike murmured possessively, tightening his grip a fraction as previously inconceivable ideas gained solidity in his mind, beginning to seem almost credible. {What if I wanted it forever? What if this.... peace and happiness and..... and him..... is what I really want? Damn it, damn it, damn it....}

Each man became so lost in his own mind that when the doorbell rang a moment later, both jumped, then laughed together.

"Time for you to head upstairs, mon petit chou."

"Right. Things to prepare, hidin' to get on with."

The phrasing made Giles frown again.

"That isn't it at all, you know that. I want it to be a surprise...."

"I know, luv. My bad. Shouldn't a'said it that way. See ya in ten or so, yeah?" Spike apologized, planting a light kiss in the center of the older man's forehead before moving for the stairs.

"Yes. Ten."

The doorbell had already rung twice more, leading Giles to think it had to be Xander on the other side. Opening the door confirmed his suspicion.

"Xander. Come in, please. I'm so glad you could come."

"I was thinking of calling and canceling, but.... I decided I did need a party. Wait a minute..... Where's the 'rock me till my ears gush blood' music? Where are the 'blind me for life' decorations and the 'how cool do I look in slow motion' strobe lights? Not even a disco ball. Giles, man, how have you not been arrested for criminal stodginess?"

Several appropriate, and Spike-like, responses floated through Giles' head, but he reigned in his new-found dubious sense of humorous sarcasm.

"Are you finished?"

"I think so."

"Thank the Lord for that. Do come in and sit. A beer?"

"Yeah. A beer would be okay. What's going on here, Giles? That was a good come-back and you never have any good come-backs."

"You'll see in a few minutes. Sit. I'll be back with...."

The bell rang a second time just then, cutting him off mid-sentence. "Hang on, alright, Xander? Wesley. It's so good to see you. It's been too long." Giles enthused quietly, embracing the other former watcher briefly. "I was about to grab a beer for Xander. Can I get you one as well?"

"Yes. That would be great." Wesley said as he moved into the living room and Giles split off to the kitchen. "Xander. How are you? We haven't talked nearly often enough lately. I've been missing our chats." Wesley tossed out as he found a chair facing Xander.

"Me too. So, how are things up in your territory? Give with all the juicy adventure stories."

"There aren't any, really. After.... well, after we returned from the funeral, Angel closed up the agency for a time. Since we re-opened, it's been slow. We did have this one repeat case recently; a young girl with an eye in the back of her head. The little twit allowed herself to be bitten and infected by the same demon for a second time..."

Wesley paused his story to thank Giles for the delivery of the beer, then continued as the other walked away. Halfway up the stairs, Giles watched Spike emerge from the bedroom and move down to meet him. Though he knew they were well out of the hearing range of the other two, he still kept his voice low.

"Is it all set, then?"

"Yeah. That inflatable bed is a bloody marvel. Only took a few seconds and it was up and ready. Sorta' like you, luv."

"Yes. Not the time for cuteness. I am far too nervous for cuteness. Shall we go let our guests in on the real reason for this little... "gathering" ?"

Slinging an arm over Giles shoulder, Spike smiled lightly at his lover and dropped a quick kiss on his nose.

"We shall, dearest. We shall."

Giles returned the smile and slid a hand into the back pocket of Spike's faded jeans and they strolled into the living room just that way, both having great difficulty in hiding their urge to laugh at the reactions of the pair already seated there. The urge lasted only until Xander's protective instinct kicked in.

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TBC.....


	4. Chapter 4

Both men rose so swiftly to their feet that the lovers had no real time to react. Xander forced himself between Spike and Giles, allowing Wesley to pull his fellow watcher away to a far corner of the room. To Spike's great surprise, the glare Xander turned on him actually drilled a tiny grain of fear into his heart and unnerved him enough that he stepped back once, then again when Xander wouldn't relent. Finally seeming satisfied, Xander moved away to check on Wes and Giles.

"Wesley, please! I'm alright."

"Has he hurt or intimidated you to make you say this?" Wesley demanded, roughly forcing Giles' head to the side in search of marks on his neck. Giles pushed his hands away, his expression just beginning to show a touch of hurt, and walked back to where Spike stood waiting for him. When the other two moved to separate them again, a look from both Giles and Spike stopped them cold. Giles spoke then, and Xander and Wesley tabled their confusion in favor of clarification.

"Sit. Both of you, please sit. Obviously.... we have something to tell you."

Once their guests had reclaimed their seats, Giles sat on the sofa facing them and began to explain, his courage bolstered somewhat by Spike's hands on his shoulders, but not enough to completely untangle his thoughts. "First of all, Wi... Spike is a guest in my home, as you two are and he will be treated with decorum and respect. Things have changed..... drastically. When I called you about this.... about coming for this weekend..... we'd... a few days earlier, we'd..... Spike and I have....."

"Rupert. Spit it out." Spike encouraged gently. "Que sera sera, remember? They'll be okay with this, or they won't. It's not on us how they react."

Giles closed his eyes for a moment, sighed heavily, and began again.

"For a long time now, I've been struggling with something. I've been trying to work out my feelings on.... certain issues, but world threatening crises kept.... interrupting. On Wednesday last, Spike showed up at the door to ask a favor. I wasn't doing all that well at that moment, but that story will come later. As I was saying, he arrived and I was forced to confront everything I'd been denying for a year and a half. He... we made love. I'd never.... The thoughts had been there, as I said, but I hadn't the courage to act..... or even speak to the.... object.... objects of the thoughts."

Wesley caught the point ahead of Xander this time.

"You're speaking about Xander and I?"

"Yes... among others, but you two were the.... "main attraction" so to speak. Spike convinced me I had to tell you. That way if you caught me.... appraising?, you would know why."

Finally waking up, Xander chimed in.

"So you put this so far ahead...."

".... to give myself time to heal. I was utterly inexperienced, all fantasies and denial and never the guts to do anything about it. Spike gave me the... the guts. I'm telling you all this now because you deserved to know.... and because I had to ask, even if all I get is disgusted looks and utter rejection."

When Xander started to speak again, his expression clearly telegraphing what he was feeling and, possibly, what he would say, Wesley halted him before he could even produce a word.

"Hang on, Xander. In a minute, alright? Ask what, Rupert?"

"Would you.... either or both of you, be willing to spend the weekend with us here..... I suppose experimenting would be the most appropriate word."

At this point, Spike spoke again, leaning closer to Giles.

"Speak straight, would ya, luv? He's got a few fantasies he wants to fulfill.... an' you figure prominently, Harris. You were right, Rupe. He sure has bulked up in the last little while, ain't he? Gotten a tad taller too. S'ppose if I'd been lookin', I woulda noticed.... I'm noticin' now...."

"Stop, will you, please? If you scare him away, I vow....."

"Him?!" Xander squeaked, "He's not the one scaring me, Giles!"

To the growing surprise of the other three, it was Wesley who, once again, stepped in to calm his younger friend.

"Xander. Take a valium. You're perfectly safe.... for the moment. Let me deal with this. It's alright."

Turning to Giles, he continued, his comment leaving the ex-watcher's jaw hanging slack. "I'm surprised it took you so long, Rupert. I thought you'd have had your first experience long ago."

"Wesley.... I.... I mean..... are you saying you're....."

"What? Me?! No! Well.... I've had one or two.... a moment only..... I never, ever went as far as...."

Spike broke in again.

"Hold up, Wes. Harris. Yer not okay with this whole concept, are ya?"

"Not in the least! I couldn't possibly be more not okay with this!"

"Make a deal with me?"

Though his every instinct screamed for him to bellow a negative response and run for his life, Xander took a grudging mental step forward, even as he shrank back into the cushions behind him when Spike came around the sofa and approached his chair.

"Go on."

"We're goin in the kitchen for some coffee an'.... negotiation. You stay here, think on why you'd be sayin no to our proposal. We'll give ya.... twenty minutes, say? If when we come back out, you've scarpered, no more will ever be said about tonight. Bargain?"

Again bucking his better judgement, Xander held a hand out and tentatively shook Spike's cool, dry one.

"Bargain."

As Wes and Giles moved for the kitchen, Spike held back a moment before following the others.

"The door's not locked. There will never be any bad feelins' or such if ya decide to go. It's up t'you. Dig into the gray matter a little an' if ya get the answer before time's up.... come join us, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

For the first few minutes, Xander fought his brain's continual messages to his legs demanding that they rise, run like the wind and take his body with them. Eventually, he managed to settle his mind and his nerves enough to focus on the question he needed to think about, at which point the images from his recurring nightmare invaded his thoughts. He tried to shake them off and force them away, but was unsuccessful, gradually coming to the realization that he'd been right as to what the dream was about and that he would never be able to stay and participate in the weekend's activities, even had he wanted to.

Tears burning his cheeks, he was just about to leave when Giles, anxious to hear Xander's response, emerged from the kitchen ahead of the time limit and caught the younger man before he was able to bring his emotions under control.

"Xander? I'm very sorry. I couldn't anticipate the upset my asking you this would cause....."

"It isn't you. Look.... I have to go. I won't tell anyone, I swear."

"Don't worry yourself over that. They'd find out eventually, I'm sure. Tell me what's wrong? If it isn't my request.... what has you so distraught?"

"Nothing. I mean.... forget it, alright? I'm fine. You guys have a good weekend. Call me and tell me how it went." Xander forced out, backing away toward the door.

"Alexander. Please, stop. You've always trusted me..... I thought so at least. I've heard some of your worst fears and troubles. I couldn't stand it if I lost that faith.... the friend I was to you is still here. That will never change just because...."

"Not this. Noone would ever understand...... not even you. I can't..... it's just a dream.... maybe a memory. I.... God, why am I still standing here?" Xander mumbled, moving away, his words not really directed at anyone but himself.

"Is it a dream.....or a memory?" Giles asked, continuing to slowly move forward.

Xander backed away again, his bag of clothes clutched tightly in one hand as he tried to maintain a buffer zone between himself and the watcher.

"I don't know, but it's not all there yet and as nasty as this little piece of it is..... I can't risk being here, doing what you..... it could bring it all back and I'd really, really prefer it stay away."

"I can help. You don't have to be involved in anything the rest of us might be doing, but stay and talk to me. Let me try...."

"Look, stop, okay? I feel like I'm being cornered."

"I'm sorry. I will. You stop as well, alright? Just until we resolve this.... one way or the other?"

"Deal."

For a long time, Giles studied Xander carefully, until he felt he knew what he should say.

"Let me ask you a question. Even after all we've seen, do you still retain some belief in a..... higher power, whatever the title or form?"

"Yeah. I mean, I guess so. If there's a hell, there has to be an.... opposite, a balance."

"Quite right. Well, I've always believed that higher power, without subverting our free will, sometimes manipulates our lives in ways that put us where we need to be, when we need to be there. He, she, whatever, guides us there so we learn what we least want to, but most need to, and we're forced to face the reality we try the hardest not to see. I think that's what happened with Spike and I. Perhaps.... the time and place are right for you to recover this memory or dream, whichever it might be."

Slowly growing more curious than afraid, Xander gazed back at Giles, head tilted slightly.

"You think so, huh?"

"It's a possibility."

"I think you're a lot more selfish than I ever gave you credit for. You'd be happy to let this A-bomb memory loose on me just to get your hands on my bod."

At first, Giles was stung by the remark, but he quickly examined his motives and responded confidently.

"No. Untrue. We all have things to face, Alexander. If you aren't ready, then I would never force you to stay and confront yours. It's perfectly alright for you to go. I just wanted you to be sure. At some future date I would, indeed, enjoy the chance to get my hands..... and mouth on your "bod", but not if you aren't willing. That would be tantamount to assault, and I couldn't assault a friend who wasn't possessed by a hyena."

Satisfied that his feelings had been aired and that Xander would, at least, make his decision fully informed, Giles turned away to find the other two had slipped out of the kitchen and had been listening. He started to join them, but was called back by Xander.

"Giles."

"Yes?"

"Why do you keep calling me that?"

"What? Alexander? It is your name."

"No, it's not. I mean, it is, but noone calls me that. Even my parents call me Xander."

"It felt natural. True names have become a.... habit around here. It just came out. I am sorry."

"It doesn't sound natural to me. Never has. I'm not a.... a leader or a conqueror."

"With a few hours and a six-pack of German beer, I'm fairly sure I could change your mind on that score, but if you'd rather..... how does Alex suit you?"

"Alex." the other repeated rolling it around on his tongue and letting it echo in his head. "I like it. Yeah, Alex is good. That'll work."

"Fine. Good-night, Alex."

Giles, Spike and Wesley moved up the stairs, leaving the child known as Xander to face the blank square of clay named Alex and decide what this man would eventually become.

Confused, Xander walked to a mirror hanging a short distance from the front door and stared into it for several minutes. When he didn't see what Giles saw, couldn't find what the other claimed was there, he fell back on a technique a long-ago school counselor had taught him.

He closed his eyes, pictured the mirror frame blank and empty, then spoke the name of the man he was seeking. Slowly a face faded into view inside the square; a face that was his, and yet not, dominated by dark eyes that he knew well, but that also held secrets he couldn't come close to fathoming.

When he finally opened his eyes, his shock sent him reeling backwards. Logic told him he couldn't possibly be seeing the changes he was seeing, but logic was not ruling this moment. After taking enough time to recover his senses and confirm what the mirror seemed to be showing him, Alex grabbed the bag that surprise had caused him to drop to the hall floor, returned to the living room to leave his jacket there and moved up the stairs to join the other three.

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TBC......


	5. Chapter 5

Alex found the bedroom easily by following the voices and soft laughter. When he appeared in the doorway, all three fell silent while Giles rose and went to him, questioning the young man with his his eyes, not reaching out for the gym bag until Alex nodded slowly. As he entered the room warily and dropped to the air-bed, Giles reclaimed his space on the king-size and caught Alex up.

"Take a minute and relax, Alex. We're still talking. Nothing's happening yet."

"I see that."

"As I said earlier, William and I have gotten into the habit of using our true names. If you feel comfortable with being called Alex in an.... intimate context, that's fine, but if not...."

"No. Alex will be fine. Am I allowed to use yours too?"

"Of course. Why not?"

"I've always had this picture of the day I finally got pissed enough to call him William. It always ended with my head being separated from my shoulders; violently and with lots of spurting and gushing of blood."

"No worries, mate. There's much better uses for that pretty face. Be a cryin' shame to rip it up 'stead of usin' it in all the ways ya should."

Wesley's quiet ahem broke into Spike's reverie and halted an impromptu advance on Alex's person.

"Wesley?"

"No, actually. I suppose, since truth in advertising seems to be the order of the day.... God in his heaven, I swore I'd never speak this name again. Gentlemen, may I introduce..... Michael Adams."

William sat stunned for a moment, then collapsed backwards on the bed, laughing wildly, followed swiftly by Alex. Only Rupert was able to maintain any semblance of composure, in deference to the indignation he saw blossoming in his friends expression.

"Why the change? Michael Adams is a nice, perfectly serviceable name."

"Not for a watcher! That was my thinking at the time, at least. I didn't want nice or serviceable. I wanted.... elegant and superior.... and worthy of respect."

"Pouffy!" Will roared out between gasping laughs.

"I always... thought it.... sounded like a.... Sesame Street muppet!" Alex added, finding it hard to catch his breath. Both went on guffawing until Rupert admonished them.

"That's enough, you two. So. Shall it be Michael for this weekend?"

"Yes, but no mention of the last name, if you don't mind. Not unless bitterness, recriminations and black depression are really the mood you're looking to foster."

This statement rapidly sobered the rest, prompting Alex to speak up to lighten the mood again.

"Agreed. So, what were you all discussing when I came in?"

"Oh. Yes. I was about to tell Rupert and William about my experience in this area, which is very little. I.... I have been touched once or twice. You know how it goes; thirty twelve year olds in an all-male summer camp, stuck with only each other for eight weeks during the intial flush of puberty. One gets curious.... and rather desperate."

"Anythin' else? Like, more recent, maybe?"

"Nothing.... significant. A brief encounter in my twenties. My college flatmate got stoned out of his gourd one night and confessed he was gay. I suspect only God and my frightful judgement will ever know why I did it, but...... I allowed him to....."

"Ya gave in to a blow-job."

"Crudely put, but accurate."

"Yeah, well, sweet romantic words don't seem to be the style 'round here. Rupert prefers soft hands and cathouse language, don't ya ducks?"

Blushing furiously, Rupert closed his eyes as Spike caressed his cheek quickly, then began to stroke a thumb along his jawline.

"Yes. That combination has proved..... quite effective...... more so the fangs."

This statement brought the other two to swift attention.

"Relax. No bitin'. That's the rules. I nibble the neck a little, scratch maybe, but bitin' is stictly forbidden. To break that rule would be to break our trust an' I won't ever do that."

"Fangs have other, much more..... pleasurable purposes, that don't involve.... the need for hydrogen peroxide or band-aids." Rupert sighed, leaning into the hand that was sliding up and down his neck and over his scalp, pushing his thick hair into unruly curves and angles.

"If I'd known we fit together like that, I woulda been after you long ago, sweets."

After watching for a few more seconds, Alex felt it was his turn to ahem.

"Excuse me. It's a little unfair of you two to start without us." he laughed gently.

"What? Oh. Yeah, sorry. We're still in the early stages of whatever this is gonna turn out t'be, so we get a little..... intense, I guess you'd call it. I have a hunch teams are already set, at least for tonight. Rupert and Alex are joined at the hip, so that leaves me an' Michael to discover how much he remembers. You two mind if we take the big bed this time?"

"No. No, I don't. Alex?"

"I'd rather be down here, I think. Feels a little more.... private."

Slipping off the higher bed and down onto the air mattress, Rupert manuevered himself into a cross-legged position facing Alex and gently grasped the others hands.

"Alright. Tell me what you can about this dream."

"There isn't much to it, really, but what there is....." Alex hesitated, lowering his eyes and shaking his head. "Wow. I'm not so sure I want to do this anymore. If this is really a memory....."

"Alex, it's alright. Tell me."

"I only see it in freeze frames, like still pictures. I'm little, four or five maybe. I'm in the sandbox at a playground.... then I'm walking towards the woods behind the see-saw, holding someone's hand..... the next picture..... I can't. Please. I've never told anyone about this. It's too much.... I don't want this to be real. Nothing has ever scared me like this...."

Reaching out, Rupert took Alex's face in both hands.

"Even if this is a memory, it isn't real now. It's in the past where it can't hurt you. Close your eyes..... and tell me the rest."

"The next thing I remember..... is laying down on my back.....looking up at something.... no, someone. Whoever it is, I'm terrified. The pictures stop there.... but the feelings are so clear..... I'm crying..... and my legs are cold..... all of me is cold and numb..... all I can feel.... all I *wanna* feel are the pine needles sticking into me...."

"Alright. Stop, now. You don't have to go any further. I understand well enough." the older man soothed, pulling a sobbing Alex into his arms and holding him until the younger man seemed ready to separate. "Did your parents never tell you anything like this happened to you as a child?"

"No. I never asked." Alex confessed, working to steady his voice and calm his nerves. "I figured they'd just tell me I had some kind of incredibly freaky wet dream and suggest I go find a girl or a copy of Playboy and chill out."

"What do you feel now?"

Drawing and expelling a shaky breath, Alex gave Rupert a resigned look.

"It's true. As much as I want it not to be, I think it's real."

"The images are always the same? The setting, the pattern and order never change?"

"Never."

"That's a good sign, then. Perhaps it only happened that one time. Give me a moment....."

Rupert took several minutes, body still and quiet, mind sunk deep in thought. "I may have an idea, if you still want to go forward with this, of course. Knowing what I do now, I would never ask it. It would have to be your decision."

"I do want to." Alex responded immediately. "I've never been able to move past this. Even with Anya, there have been times that I just tense up and pull away. I've never been able to tell her why..... or tell her anything about the nightmares."

"Understandable. I think, perhaps I can.... take the fear out of the experience for you, break the connection. If you trust me enough to allow me to try."

"If I didn't trust you I would have walked out when you gave me the chance."

"True. Well, then. The first step, I suppose, is to approximate the image in your memory as closely as we can. If you'll...."

"What? Oh. You mean...... the pants. Oh."

"As I said, you aren't committed to anything...."

"No. It.... it's alright."

Working quickly, as if speed would keep him from having to think about what he was doing, Alex unfastened and stripped out of his khakis and briefs and lay back on the air-bed.

"Good. Now, grab onto my hands and close your eyes tightly. I want you to understand that all the control here is yours. You'll know where my hands are every second. I won't touch you until and unless you give me permission, and the very moment you say wait or stop, my hands will be right back in yours again. The power over what happens tonight is yours alone. Understood?"

"Yeah. I understand."

"Excellent. Whenever you're ready, you just say so. I won't act, only react to your commands."

Several minutes passed while Alex fought to ease his breathing and calm his racing heart, anticipating an unwanted touch that didn't come. Eventually, he calmed enough to speak the words that would allow Rupert to begin.

"O.... okay. You can... touch me."

"You're terribly brave, Alex. I'm letting go of your hands, now. Good...."

Alex let the stroking continue for almost five minutes before the fear threatened to overwhelm him and he told Rupert to stop. The gentle fingers left his genitals immediately and returned to grasp his hands.

"You.... you did it. I said stop.... and you stopped."

"I told you I would. You are in control, here, I told you that as well."

"But... it's just me. No one ever listens to me."

"True of Xander perhaps, not of the man whose hands I'm holding right now. I'm listening, Alex. Tell me what you want from me."

Lost in a moment of wonder over the idea that a three letter shift in his name could change how the world saw him, or expand what he was allowed to ask for and receive from that world, Alex shook himself, then spoke quietly, amazed to find his terror receding.

"Touch me..... please, touch me."

"As you wish." Rupert answered, resuming his ministrations. "You can want this and be afraid of it at the same time, Alex. That's perfectly normal. You're doing very well. Keep being strong...... that's fantastic. Are you getting close to your orgasm?"

"Ye.... yes.... soon....."

"Do you want me to take you through it or would you rather finish on your own?"

"Please.... you... you do it.... don't stop.... "

Silent now, Rupert sped up the touches he was using until Alex came in his hands, slowing gradually to a stop as the flow dropped to a trickle.

"Are you alright, Alex?"

"Yeah. Give me a minute.... and a little space."

"I understand. Did any more of the memory return?"

"No and I think I'm grateful. Hey.... man, I am so sorry about your clothes. They're really a mess...."

"I do have a washer and dryer, you know. It will be fine."

"Well, look... I mean, if you swear not to get hot and bothered and all wiggy on me, you could..... I wouldn't squawk if you....."

"No. Not tonight. I've been splattered and soaked with blood, demon slime and every other bodily fluid known to man.... or whatever. I can live with this."

"Really. It's okay."

"No, it isn't. Are you ready yet to go again?"

The fear resurfaced in Alex's expression just for a moment, but was quickly replaced by trust and curiosity.

"Just touching?"

"Unless you think you might be ready for more."

"No! I mean.... I guess not."

"Right. We've got until Monday. As badly as I want..... Let's just say I could very easily be talked into pushing you too hard.... so don't talk me into it. There's plenty of time to bring you on slowly."

"Okay. Go for it. I'm ready to start again."

As Rupert began to stroke Alex to orgasm for the second time, he tuned one ear to the voices coming from the bed above him.

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TBC.....


	6. Chapter 6

"Shall we try once more? Ya did say you wanted to give this every chance, right?"

"Yes, and I do want that. I don't know why I can't..... why this frightens me so."

"Yer makin' the scare worse by tellin' yourself it shouldn't scare ya. Be scared and try again. It's no different than milkin' yer own equipment."

"So you say...." Michael mumbled, reaching for Spike's cock for the fourth time in half an hour, accomplishing his goal of actually touching it.

"Alright. Now.... that's right.... wrap the whole hand 'round..... good. Start slow and easy.... ya can grip a little firmer. Don't want to shake ya loose when I blow.... better.... do somethin' with that other hand.... yeah.... right along the vein.... marvelous.... speed up the strokes a bit.... hold it there.... mmmm.... yeah. More speed..... I'm close.... there.... touch right there...."

As his orgasm hit, William's words became moans and hisses, fading along with his release.

"That... was not at all bad for a first timer, son. Shall we move on to stage two?"

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Like I said, afraid is good. Embrace it, use it. You ready?"

"Not really, but I made a deal and, in a way, I am rather enjoying this."

"In a way? This from the man who, less than an hour ago, was beggin' me to, an' this is a direct quote: 'suck my balls an' my cock until you choke on my come.' unquote."

"I said that?! Well.... it really felt very good. I suppose I was a bit incoherent at the time."

"Prepare to get so again, hot stuff." William told him as he ran his hand through the remaining fluid on his cock and Michael's belly then held just his index finger up before the other's lips.

"You.... please. You can't be serious."

"As Angel goin' off his Prozac. Open your mouth, Michael."

"I... I can't."

"I'm startin you easy here, lettin' you get used t'the taste and texture before the main event goes off. I mean it, son. Open.... your mouth."

Eyes squeezed tightly shut, Michael reluctantly did as he'd been commanded, trying not to flinch or pull away from the finger sliding between his lips, as he was vaguely afraid he might be hit. A moment later, however, his eyes had popped wide open again and he was suckling gently on the finger. The next he took in readily, tongue actively seeking out the fluid he had quickly developed a fervent appreciation for. "Knew it. Natural born, ya were. Just needed a push."

"Yes, well you can't expect a first-timer to think everything will be sunshine and roses now can you?"

"No. S'ppose not. One quick thing before ya give this a go. Start swallowin' before you think ya need to, or else you'll feel like you're chokin an' you'll panic. That's the last thing either of us needs. I'd likely get bit and you'd hyperventilate. Not a pleasant scenario any way ya look at it."

"No. I understand."

"Right. Go on, then. Take one."

Take one turned out to be all they needed. Forty minutes of moaning and praises later, Michael, fluid dripping from his chin onto the sheets and the other's thighs, finally pulled away from a thoroughly exhausted Spike. "Devil take me..... yer a holy terror, you are. Startin' t'wonder if I ever shoulda introduced you to this. I think it's sleep time for both of us, luv."

"Sounds good right now. You've fair worn me out tonight."

"Me? Worn you out? That's funny, that is.... go to sleep, would ya?"

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Saturday morning Giles awoke far earlier then the others, gazed down at the young man sleeping beside him, but more truthfully half on top of him, and smiled. He assumed it was a habit Alex and Anya had fallen into. Gently, he extricated himself and rose to his feet, knowing how Alex would, in his vernacular, "majorly freak out" if he woke disoriented and found himself so intimately tangled with another man. Moving to the hall linen closet, he grabbed four towels, leaving three by the bedroom door for the others, and proceeded to the bathroom for a much needed shower.

The steaming water cleared his sleep-clogged brain and pushed him all the way into full alertness, just as he'd intended it to, as it always did. Still, thoughts of a potential jealousy blowout from Spike, Alex's potentially devestating memory or his many other myriad concerns did not immediately surface. His morning shower, and the half hour or so of shaving and such that followed, had ever been the only time he refused to let the world intrude on him, refused to let his normally disquieted, worry-wart nature rule. He leaned his shoulder against the tile, tipped his head back and allowed the water to stream on his upturned face for a few blessed moments while he thought about nothing much at all, savoring the relaxation and calm.

Finished at last, he dried, slipped into his favorite robe and moved quietly downstairs into the kitchen for his toast and tea while the others woke at their own pace and in their own time.

Over the next hour, Micheal and Alex staggered into the kitchen one by one, dropping into chairs with expressions that screamed their need for caffeine. Spike followed soon after, his quite different need written just as clearly on his face. Giles, prudently, toned down his usual morning cheer out of respect.

"Morning, all. Ready for breakfast, are we?"

"Crikey, you kiddin'? I'm starved."

"Yours is in the fridge, as usual."

"Get it for me, luv?"

"You have two perfectly functioning legs, darling boy. Get it yourself."

Alex chuckled as he watched Spike grumble and rise to get his meal himself, amazed at the ring of contented familiarity in the exchange. Looking from one to the other, he could almost see the link that had been forged between the hearts of watcher and vampire. When he found a darkness beginning to seep into his previously good mood, he examined it and was shocked to discover that the negative emotion assailing him was envy.

{And why is that so surprising? I haven't been happy for weeks, maybe even months....} Alex groused mentally, then rejected the unhappy thoughts. {No, damn it. I'm happy. What Anya and I have is good. It used to be great.....}

Shoving the darkness away from his spirit, Alex forced a small smile and asked a purposely light question in an effort to regain his lost joy.

"Why do I think you two have that argument every day?"

"Not every day." Spike responded. "It's sorta... off an' on. Some days he says, 'Of course, dear. Coming right up.' " he mimicked, producing an excellent imitation of not only Giles' accent, but his actual voice.

"And some days I tell him, very politely, to get stuffed." Giles countered blithely. "The uncertainty keeps things..... interesting."

"You talk as if you've been together for years. It hasn't even been two weeks." Michael interjected.

"Do we? Well, it feels natural, don't it? Like it shoulda always been. What do you think, sweets?" Spike mused, gazing up from his breakfast to throw Giles a look that held all the love and passion he'd never shown or given anyone else. Michael shivered and looked away. Alex followed suit, but only to hide the jealousy that wanted to explode from him and that he was sure was clearly written on his face.

"Yes. Well said. It's as if something I hadn't the vaguest idea I was waiting for finally arrived..... and now I wonder what I ever did before it found me."

"Yeah. Like the last puzzle piece you can't make fit no matter what ya do, an' yer so ready to trash the whole thing..... Then you turn it just a little.... an' somethin' clicks into place..... an' you realize the picture's nothin' like what ya thought it was gonna be, but it's still beautiful. More so, even."

When Spike finally tore his eyes away from Giles, he found Michael staring at him, tears shining at the corners of his eyes. "What?"

"You. That was eloquent and moving.... and if I don't find something distracting to do in the next few seconds I'm afraid I'll quite embarrass myself. Can I help with the food, Rupert?"

"Absolutely. Grab the eggs from the fridge, if you would. Oh, and the juice and milk as well?"

Alex watched the activity with little interest at first, unwilling to let go of his black mood. When the food reached the table, however, the aromas woke his hunger and the easy, joyous conversation drew him out of the dark cocoon he'd begun to build.

"It all smells great. I didn't think I was really hungry, but after last night, I'm probably low on just about all my essential vitamins and minerals."

"We all are." Michael joked, grinning around his cup of tea.

As the meal progressed, Alex fell into the chatter and, eventually, got back to his normal self, but his thought pattern transferred itself to Giles, who became relatively detatched, speaking only when he was asked a question or a comment was directed at him.

{Que sera, sera. What will be, will be. I have to keep a positive attitude. But.... what if I can't give either one of them up? With the chip out of commission, William could kill Alex as easily as brushing dirt off his shoe.... Then there's Anyanka, of course. When she learns... if she convinces Willow or Tara that I..... oh, sweet Lord, what have I done? I could be an oak tree in the middle of Weatherly park before I knew what was happening.... No! Stop it right this minute. Que sera, sera has to be your focus, your mantra even. So far the fates haven't deserted you and they won't now.}

"Rupert, luv. Either sing a little louder so I can recognize the tune, or quit, would ya please? You're about t'drive me 'round the bend."

"Singing? Was I singing? I wasn't aware...."

{Of course you were, you complete idiot. Your sub-conscious took you at your word...} Giles reprimanded himself laughingly. "I just had a tune stuck in my head. It was "Que sera, sera", I believe."

Spike suddenly began laughing so hard he lost all control and fell out of his chair sideways.

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TBC......


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The park scene in this chap... let's just say I've gotten reamed more than once for Alex's supposed 'cruelty'. I get that it's just IMHO, but I always thought he deserved someone so much better than Anya. Someone who's able to focus on him once in a while. He's not being cruel. He's frustrated that, as usual, it's all about her and she won't shut her gob and listen. Again... IMHO. If you can see it in that light... you'll feel much better about the scene. If you can't, I understand. Just please don't harrangue me about it, okay?

LATE SATURDAY NIGHT

"I have to, Giles. Tomorrow's.... it, right? It wouldn't be fair to do this, then tell her about it. We have... other things to talk about too."

Hearing a great deal of sadness in Alex's tone, Giles rushed to prevent his friend from doing what he suddenly suspected he was about to do.

"Wait. If you're planning on breaking it off with Anya.... please, don't. Not on my account and not on the basis of one night of...."

"It isn't because of you, or last night. Not completely, anyway. It was seeing you and Spike at breakfast this morning. You two are so easy with each other and so obviously happy. At first, I was psyched for both of you, then..... I started feeling crummy. I got so jealous so fast, you don't even know. It made me realize that I've been lying to myself. Anya and I..... we're terrific in bed, talking the stock market or how she should do her hair when we're going out. Beyond that our relationship's about as deep as a sidewalk puddle after a thirty second rain shower. I've given it so much time and we don't have what you guys have after a week and a half....."

"Alex.... you can't compare Anya and yourself to William and I. Part of our bond comes from the story I didn't tell you last night. When he knocked on the door Wednesday.... this house was utter chaos. I'd been drinking heavily for quite a while, so there were bottles scattered everywhere. Between not sleeping and the multi-layered hangover I was suffering, I didn't have the competence to keep things clean or in order..... including myself. At the moment he arrived..... well, according to him I was about to do something very stupid.... and very final.   
I have a dim memory of thinking that there was a black hole inside the downstairs medicine cabinet and that if could just crawl into it, I'd finally find some peace.... begging Spike to kill me is all too clear a memory, unfortunately. Suffice it to say that he didn't, I survived and we both found a much better method of dealing with our grief. He's talked me through a great deal that I couldn't have navigated by myself."

"I'm really glad you trusted me with that and I'm even more glad you decided to not to leave that way. I can't speak for the rest of the gang, but.... losing you woulda sent my mind somewhere it might not have come back from so easy. The story explains a lot, but it doesn't change anything. I'm still not happy with Anya and the reasons still haven't changed. I told her on the phone to meet me in the park, so.... I'll be back in about an hour, okay?"

"Alright. Should I wait for you?"

"Could I stop you?" Alex replied gently, adding a small chuckle.

"No. Absolutely not."

Alex smiled tightly at his good friend, grabbed his coat and headed out to meet Anya.

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A short while later, in a secluded, but well-lit corner of Weatherly park, Alex sat indian-style on the ground, head wrapped in his arms while Anya babbled and rambled on about how wonderful things would be when they were finally able to settle down somewhere that wasn't Sunnydale.

He had been trying desperately for over fifteen minutes to get her to sit with him, look at him or do anything other than talk, but he was having no success. Finally, patience stretched beyond even his endurance, he raised his head, shouted her name and unthinkingly spoke the words he had sworn on everything he held sacred that he would never say to anyone; the words that had hurt him more than even his father could, the words that had once sent him into the arms of the black arts in an effort to heal his pain with revenge.

"Anya, I want to break up!"

This, at last, stopped the torrent of sound flowing from the lips of the young woman wearing a path in the grass before him. Realizing too late the significance of the words, his heart cringed within his chest, but he held tight to his purpose for bringing her there, knowing he had to go on, for both their sakes

"What? Xander, did you say something?"

"Yeah, An. We.... look, come sit down beside me, alright?"

"No. I don't like the look on your face, Xander Harris. Tell me I didn't just hear you say what I think you said...."

"I didn't mean to say it so bluntly... but yeah, you heard right. We really have to talk. Get that? We. Not you talk and talk and talk and I wish I were deaf or dead or anywhere but within hearing distance. Please.... sit down."

Slowly, as if she were trying not to fall to the ground, Anya dropped into a seated position a few feet from her lover. "First, my name isn't Xander anymore, at least it won't be as soon as I can get to the courthouse at lunch Monday."

"But I like your name. Why would you want to...."

She stopped when he held up a hand.

"I'm Alex now and I'd really prefer it if you called me that. Secondly..... I've decided I can't keep playing this game anymore. You know I've been distant lately, not telling you things, yelling all the time. I think.... I knew we were ending a long time ago. I just couldn't face losing the one person who said they loved me and never backed it up with a kidney punch or an insult. It took seeing a couple of people who really are in love to get it through my head. Somebody's gonna have to end this. I finally figured out that it has to be me."

"Xander, stop this. Why are you saying these awful, nasty things to me? I won't stand for it! If this is one of your... human pranks, it isn't funny! You go get your things at Giles house and come home with me this very instant...."

Leaping to his feet, Alex stalked to where Anya sat, lifted her by the shoulders and got in her face. "You're not listening! It's done, okay? I'm done. Our relationship is undead! If I'd had the freaking guts I would have shoved the stake in ten or eleven months back and put us both out of our misery a little sooner.... but I just found out I had a spine. It took me a while to learn how to use it. Go home." he growled as he released her abruptly and moved away, heading back toward Giles' apartment.

Tears streaming down her face, Anya ran a few steps after Alex, but when he turned back to confront her, the unfamiliar glacial tint to his eyes and the lack of pity in his expression stopped her from going any closer.

"Xander...."

"My name.... is Alex. I'll pick up my stuff on Monday after I finish at the courthouse. Be careful walking home. With Buffy gone, the creepy-crawlers are getting bolder all the time." he told her as he turned and walked away, leaving her to dry her own tears or find someone who would.

Her heart shattered, at a loss to understand what had just befallen her, Anya fought to stay on her feet when everything in her wanted to drop to the grass, then sink through it and never come up again. Stumbling, she turned and ran, not in the direction of what had been her and Xander's apartment, but in the direction of the only source of comfort she knew; the slayers' former home and the two witches who now lived there.

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When Alex came in, Giles was curled on the couch not really reading the book he held. For the first few minutes he stayed silent, watching the young man to gauge his mood and get a sense of how the meeting had gone. Alex came within a half-inch of slamming the door, barely remembering that the other two might be sleeping, then closed it so slowly the watcher knew his control was on thin ice. The tension flowing off him was palpable.

"I don't have to ask. Do you want to.... talk about it?"

"I should. I'm not sure I can, right now."

As Alex dropped down heavily beside him, the older man touched his shoulder briefly, wishing for all the world that he could do anything to help, but knowing Alex had to heal himself.

"I'm sorry. Truly sorry."

"Me too. Can I have the keys to the shop?"

"Of course. This is the house key, by the way. What... Oh. The workout equipment. I can come with you. Someone to hold the pads and such."

"No. I need to be alone..... and not think or talk or do anything but hit stuff."

"I... I understand. You won't overdo, will you. Try not to.... hurt yourself. Pain and anger can make a person do.... the silliest things."

"I'll be fine." Alex assured him as he accepted the keys and rose to his feet to leave again, stopping as a sudden thought struck him. " Rupert. I know I don't have slayer strength or anything, but would you be willing to train me? I want to know how to do it right, how to work with weapons, how to punch and not break my knuckles and all that. Without Buffy..... I'd feel better on group patrol if I knew what I was doing, at least a little. I'd be a good student I swear....."

"I know you would. It's a fine idea. Would two hours, three nights a week do to start?"

"Yeah. That'd be great. Don't wait up this time, okay? This could take a while."

"Yes.... I'll see you in the morning, then."

"Whenever I wake up."

"Right. Good-night, Alex."

"Night."

Once the door had closed again behind the other man, Giles checked that it was locked, but not deadbolted, and moved up the stairs to join Michael and William and try to sleep, though he knew it would be a lost cause.

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"Anya, calm down, okay? Take a deep breath and tell me again. Xander did what?"

"He.... he called and told me to meet him in the park..... and I was so happy.... we were talking about our future and... and....then he.... he broke up with me!" Anya wailed, her tears flowing freely.

"He didn't! You must have heard wrong. He would never do that to you." Tara assured her.

"That's what I thought, but he said he was going to court on Monday to legally change his name to Alex, and that we weren't really in love and... he was so cold and inhuman... and cruel. I've never seen him like that. He compared our relationship to a creature of darkness! He's moving out of the apartment.... We were so happy. I don't understand..."

"Neither do I," Willow murmured as she cradled the sobbing young woman in her arms. "but come tomorrow morning, I'm sure as hell gonna find out."

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TBC......


	8. Chapter 8

SUNDAY MORNING

Alex woke on the couch the following morning, unable and unwilling to move. Despite Giles' admonitions, he had let his pain and his disappointment in himself push him far beyond his capacity. His groans brought the others strolling out of the kitchen, coffee mugs in hands, and sent Giles rushing to his side.

"I warned you to keep your head about you and not do too much last night. I suppose I should have known better than to even say the words. You had a great deal to work out."

"Can we skip the lecture? I feel like I've been run over by a herd of elephants..."

"Yes, I imagine you do. A hot shower is the first order of the day. Need help getting up, do we?"

Alex threw him a glare that clearly said he was in no mood for teasing, but it softened almost immediately.

"Yeah. I could use a hand. Go slow, though. There isn't a inch of me that doesn't hurt."

Michael, by this time, had decided whatever Alex and Rupert were discussing was personal and, therefore, none of his business and moved off to the bookcases to search for something worth staring at for a few hours. Ever true to his nature, however, Spike had, figuratively, sunk his considerable teeth in and was reluctant to let go.

"What was it? Demon? Vamp? Somethin' else entirely? C'mon now. Don't go all secretive on me. I could use a good bash an' smash to get the juices flowin' for tonight."

Momentarily looking back at his hearts desire, Giles gently shooed him off, then returned to helping Alex onto his feet and upstairs.

"William, my dearest love in all the world, please go away. Now, Alex. What would you say to some ibuprofen and a deep tissue massage after the shower, hmm?"

"You're my hero?"

"Close enough...."

Returning to the couch with his book, Michael had just opened his mouth to try and soothe away the hostility in Spike's expression when the front door began to vibrate with the force of whoever, or whatever, was knocking on it. Shocked out of a barely begun, and quite violent, train of thought, Spike nodded Michael back into the kitchen. The other shook his head, laid down the novel and moved to stand beside the vampire.

"Between Sunnydale, my travels and L.A., there isn't much I haven't seen. You fight, I fight."

Though he raised an eyebrow, Spike didn't decline the help. Together, the two men walked to the door, Michael sliding into position slightly behind and to the left as the other opened the door on the one creature every man, alive or un-dead, feared most; a determined and enraged woman.

"Where is he? Where is that creep? Anya said he was here."

"Hold on now, Red. If you're referin' to Alex, he's havin a wash at the moment an' can't be....."

Spike never finished his sentence, as the shock of being lifted off his feet and flung backwards to land on the couch left him unable to think coherently. His faculties still intact, Michael swiftly muttered a few words under his breath and forestalled Willow's next attack. When she realized her powers had been subverted, the young woman's eyes darkened and her expression became truly murderous. She advanced on the ex-watcher, obviously intent on ripping him apart with her bare hands, but he grasped her biceps, pinning her arms to her sides, though it took all his strength to do, and carried her bodily into the living room, depositing her none too gently in a chair.

"Your powers will be out of commision for another ten minutes, so you might as well calm down and tell us what in the world that was all about!"

"I... want... Xander."

"He's indisposed. We're all you've got. So?"

"Anya came running to Tara and me last night with a story.... I just can't believe. If it's true, Xander's gonna wish his grandparents were never born."

"What'd he do, for Lord's sake, refuse to obey a command the minute she bellowed? Maybe he ducked out with all her petty cash." Spike offered, pointedly ignoring the death ray glare he received.

"She said he hurt her. That's all you need to know. The rest... is between me and him."

"You're welcome to wait, but it could be an hour or two before he... comes down."

His mind suddenly full of dark images and fears over what Alex had done to Anya the previous night that had him so stiff and sore this morning, Michael made his excuses and jogged upstairs to find Giles.

"Rupert?"

"In the study. You look upset, Michael. What's wrong?"

"How sure are you about what Alex did last night?"

"Anya's here?"

"No, Willow. Anya apparently went to them last night..... claiming Alex had hurt her. Beyond that, I can't get her to say anything more."

"I suppose, in a way, he did. Just not the way you're thinking. He broke off their relationship. From the way he looked when he got back, I assumed she didn't take it well. He asked for the shop keys so he could.... exorcize a little of his anger on the equipment in the training room."

"And he pushed too hard. That's why he was in such bad shape. Remind me to apologize to him tonight for what I was thinking a moment ago."

"I will."

"Why don't you go down and talk to her? She's in full battle mode. I temporarily supressed her power.... but it should be back to full strength any moment."

"Of course."Giles agreed, pushing his forest nighmares of the previous night to the back of his mind. "Stay with Alex, would you? He'll be finished with his shower soon. Try and get him to rest and tell him I'll be back up as soon as I can."

"Absolutely."

Fearing for William's safety, Giles moved quickly down to the living room.

"Willow? Don't you dare hurt him."

"Giles. Why is he here anyway? Where's Xander?"

"He's resting. He had a.... difficult night. Please, sit and I'll tell you what I can...."

"Him?! Anya's been at our place crying her eyes out for hours!"

"I had a feeling perhaps their separation wasn't exactly amicable. I can't speak for him, really. All I know is what he told me before he went to meet her last night."

"Which was?" Willow demanded less stridently, much of the righteous fire she'd been building up since Anya's revelation, now only embers.

"That he was deeply unhappy, that they had very little in common and that he felt it was kinder to end it than continue with a lie."

"I can't believe he'd say that. What have all these months been about? He wouldn't stay with her if he was that miserable."

"Don't be absurd, of course he would. For one thing, Anya can be... overwhelming at times. You know better than anyone that Alex is very sensitive; he can be easily bullied and intimidated. From what I know of his history in personal relationships, it's quite possible he found that kind of domineering, overbearing personality..... safe and comfortable. He doesn't anymore."

"You're wrong. I would've known if he was hurting. Of anyone in the world I would have known...."

"Alex is quite proficient at creating facades. He's never even alluded to it..... but, I suspect he learned at a very young age that showing you were hurt emotionally meant being hurt physically, so he built a mask to show the world how happy and content he was.... and ended up as the man in the iron smiley face. Instead of being angry at him when you see him tomorrow, you might try telling him how proud you are that he's finally being true to himself. What he did last night was probably the first healthy step he's taken in his own interest in fifteen years or more." Giles explained, rising to go back and give Alex his promised massage.

"Gobbeldy-gook and theories don't change the fact that he bomb-shelled Anya out of the blue, Giles. She didn't deserve the hurtful words he said and she didn't deserve to be thrown aside. She has a right to be angry.... and so do I."

"Perhaps, but your anger, and hers for that matter, are your own concern, now. I'll see to Alex. It was purely a defensive strike on his part, Willow, though I'm sure Anya will never see it that way. You should go home and let him sleep. If he wants to explain himself to you any further at a later date.... that will be up to him."

"I don't understand any of this. Since when are you such an expert on his life and since when is his name Alex?"

"As I said, Willow, anything he chooses to tell you, he will. Please go home. Oh, and just in case you, Tara or Anya get any silly ideas about a magical revenge blitzkrieg, you should know that over the years since Jenny's death I've layered some very powerful wards around this house. The results of the backlash would be.... quite unpleasant. Good day."

Still trying to process what she'd just heard, Willow watched Giles walk away, then rose and moved to the door. A step or two away, she paused when Spike called to her.

"Red. It's gonna be alright. You hafta see that. Buffy goin' away like she did..... we're all changin' a bit, straightenin' out some vital junk in our attics, ya know? Give him time.... he'll come to ya and pour 'is heart out like he's always done. He may not be the Xander ya knew when he gets there.... but Alex is a pretty good guy too. Give him a fair chance, and don't just.... ya know, toss the new leaf out with the bathwater. Bugger. That wasn't right at all, was it...."

In spite of herself, and no matter how tightly she clutched her anger, Spike's mangled proverb brought a tiny smile to Willow's face.

"I liked it. It actually made sense.... in a Spike kinda way. I do see hope for things getting better. It's just a long way off right now."

"I know, luv. Eyes on the horizon an' keep walkin'."

"Right." Willow responded quietly as she left, wondering when things were going to stop changing and redesigning themselves around her so she could find her balance again.

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TBC.....


	9. Chapter 9

LATE SUNDAY EVENING

"No. If I thought you were ready I wouldn't be arguing. You've been under great stress and there's still a chance that you'll recover the rest of that memory and discover you were..... violated. If you realized that while we were making love, it could..... I'd never forgive myself. No. You'll always be welcome here, Alex. This doesn't have to happen tonight."

"Hey. I thought when it came to making my own choices and knowing what I want you were committed to being supportive guy."

"Of course I support you, in that and in everything, but this memory could be very traumatic...."

"Maybe. If I freak, I freak. You'll be there to get me through it. I trust you. All we can do is try. We can deal with whatever happens."

"Perhaps you can. I.... William was very gentle, but my first time was almost unbearable. I don't want to...."

"What? Hurt me? The world's been doing that most of my life, man. You can only make it better. Please. I could really use someone to make it better right now."

Hearing an echo of William's words to him that first morning broke the older man's resolve. He turned his thoughts away from the plaguing questions he couldn't even invent answers to and took Alex's warm hand in his.

"Promise me something."

"Okay. Anything."

"If at any point it's too much, you must tell me to stop. I won't have you going through with this just to spare my feelings, which will be hurt far worse if you lie and let me take you where you aren't prepared to go."

"As long as we take it real slow that won't happen."

"Alex...."

"Alright. I promise."

"Thank you. Are William and Michael upstairs?"

"Yeah, but it's only been a few minutes."

"Then why don't we go join them and do a bit of catching up?"

"No argument here."

When they arrived, the latecomers found William taking his time over getting Michael out of his clothes and thoroughly enjoying every wasted minute.

"Well. You seem to be having fun." Rupert teased him.

"I am, actually." Michael responded muzzily, his eyes closed, neck stretched back as he savored every brush of a cool finger or a damp tongue on his increasingly bare skin.

"I do believe he meant me, luv, but s'alright. We're both enjoyin' ourselves. Thought we'd take the inflatable tonight, Rupe an' leave you two the bed. I changed the sheets an' all."

"Yes. Offer accepted. Thank you. The.... supplies are all laid in?'

"Top drawer of the night stand."

"Do try and remember to use them. If we send Micheal back to L.A. walking like a life-long cowboy, Angel will be after our asses and I don't mean in a good way."

"We'll be hearin' from him anyway, I'd wager, but you're right. No need to have it happen any sooner than it has to. Now.... if ya don't mind, I'm a tad busy, ducks."

"Right. Sorry. Alex?"

"Present!" the young man almost shouted, his anxiety getting the better of him. Rupert merely smiled, dropped to a corner of the bed and patted the spot beside him.

"Come here."

Alex slowly joined him, but his body remained on alert, rigid and tense. "I want you to close your eyes and listen to me. Give me all your attention.... and truly listen. I don't care how long this takes. Michael will probably finish and be starting again before we even get our clothes off, but I'm willing to go that slowly for you. Tonight is all for you, Alex. The final act is not the point here. My goal tonight is to get you to relax.... and to make you feel very.... very..... very good." Rupert told him, punctuating the repeated word with a light kiss on each eyelid and one on the bridge of the nose, his lips slipping down to graze Alex's just for the briefest of moments. "Was that alright, hmmm?"

"Nice.... but strange. Shivery."

"As it should be. Again?"

"Oh, absolutely again...."

"Perfect. Stay relaxed.... just like that. This time... show me what you like.... show me when I'm doing it right." he instructed, starting at the lips this time, but still moving slowly and cautiously.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"If I'm too easy and soft.... you get more aggressive. If I'm pushing too fast or too hard... back off a little. I'll pick up on it."

"Now that you mention it.... I could handle a little bit more.... agression....."

"Good.... open your mouth.... just a touch.... yes. Let me taste you.... so sweet and warm..... delicious...."

{Ahhh, hell....} was Alex's last coherent thought before he fell into the kiss completely, consumed by the sparking, burning sensation that spread out from their single point of contact and threatened to leave him a pile of ashes. For nearly fifteen minutes, the two remained locked together, need seeking out and surrendering to need, tongues bonded by heat, moisture and what was swiftly becoming a mutual attraction.

When they finally separated, Alex was stunned to realize that the front of Rupert's button-down dress shirt had somehow become untucked from the waistband of his pants, and Alex's hands were busy spelunking of their own free will underneath the loosened fabric. Abruptly frightened, he pulled them free.

"Be calm. You're alright. What you did was very natural."

"No, it wasn't! I would never...."

As overwhelming emotion gave way to rational thought again, Alex's frown eased and softened "Wait.... I did that?"

"You certainly did, and quite excitedly too. Is that where you want to go next? I'd be perfectly happy to go right back to the kissing.... It was quite wonderful. You're no babe in the woods there, I must tell you."

"Kissing is good.... but would you show me show me what I was doing? I was so out of it, I have no idea."

"I was as well, but not so far that I couldn't enjoy your... explorations." he joked, gently tugging free the hem of Alex's polo shirt and sliding his hands underneath, even as he leaned in to begin another round of kisses. This time he deliberately kept it light and cursory so they would both stay conscious of their surroundings. When Rupert slid a thumb across Alex's left nipple, the younger man jerked in surprise, then relaxed into the easy stimulation.

"Wow! Ohhh.... that's really.... how do I..."

"Simple, really. Bring your hands back under... and do just what I do. Match my movements.... excellent..... very nice. Now try this.... ahhh... yes. Alex... would it be alright if I took your shirt off? Just that, for now. I'd like to try something.... and I don't want to ruin your good clothing."

"I guess. Yeah, go ahead."

"Thank you. Arms over the head. There."

After laying the shirt carefully on a chest at the foot of the bed, Rupert leaned over to the night-stand and began to rummage in the top drawer. "Now, where is that.... ah-hah. Found it." he announced happily, showing Alex the small bottle of massage oil.

"Is that the same stuff you were using this afternoon?"

"Ah... no. This is edible, made especially for sensual massage. The cinnamon just happens to be my favorite, but they have others as well. William actually found a cherry cola flavor. Utterly disgusting, but he adores it, I adore him, so...."

"Compromise is the price of peace." Alex teased.

"Exactly. I endure that wretched cherry scented oil, he does the dishes. Such is love."

Alex laughed softly and gazed at Rupert for a long moment, before reaching out and beginning to unbutton the other's shirt. "You don't have to, you know."

"You don't wanna get oil on yours either, right? I'm being practical, that's all."

"Of course. Good thinking. I didn't want to push....."

"And you didn't." he replied, finishing the job and retreating to allow the other man to pull it off and lay it atop the chest with the more casual one.

"Lay back, try to relax and no matter what.... trust me."

"I was with you on the trust thing right up to 'no matter what.'"

"All I mean" Rupert told him as he poured a small amount of oil into his hand and recapped the bottle, "is that my intention is to please you, not terrify you. Even so, some of this will be frightening and new. I need you to be utterly sure in your mind.... that everything we do is your decision.... and that those decisions are made in your time. I won't rush this. I absolutely will not."

After warming the oil between his palms for a few seconds, Rupert laid both hands on Alex's chest and held them there, allowing their shared body heat to warm it even further, then began to spread the glistening residue out and down, covering every spot he could reach. "Are you ready?"

"Oh yeah.... ready for... whatever. Go.... do...."

"Alright. Let go of the stress, Alex.... don't think, right now.... let your imagination, and your senses and your nerve endings rule for a bit. Eyes closed, body open.... open to every caress.... every twist.... every brush of my tongue...." Rupert directed, his voice low and tinged with a dark edge as he added show to tell. "Feel this competely. Feel it, know it.... drink it in...."

This time, when he felt himself drifting with the tide of sensation Alex fought to maintain full awareness, part of him understanding that no one and nothing had ever made him feel this way and it wasn't something he should give up on so easily, no matter how hard it was to stay focused. Within moments, however, his attention was ambushed and dragged down to his straining cock and the realization that he wasn't near ready to do anything about it yet.

"No! Oh, man.... not that... I can't handle it now...."

"Steady, Alex. I know you're becoming aroused and it's alright. It isn't a problem... let it happen."

"No... not this way....."

"Let it happen. Inside your clothes or out of them, it makes no difference right now. Relax, go with what you're feeling. Tell me what you're feeling, my lovely boy.... tell me....."

"Ahhhh.... no.... can't... it's wrong...."

"It isn't wrong. William taught me that asking for what you want.... speaking your desires, can only set you free. It feels so good to just say what you want to say.... to give voice to the words, the screams echoing inside you. No one will judge you.... most especially me. Can you say it, Alex? Can you set yourself free?"

Abruptly, before Alex could find any words at all, the point became moot as his orgasm swept over him, crashing down in wave after wave that left him shaking like a newborn kitten and drowning in sweat. Rupert backed off the intense stimulation slowly, waiting until he was certain Alex had come down totally before he spoke.

"Alex? Are you alright, now?"

"I'm ....okay. Embarrassed beyond all previous definitions of the word..... but okay."

"Stop that. There's nothing to be concerned about. Neither one of us is at the full exposure stage just yet. That has been happening to men all over the world for centuries, trust me."

"Yeah, I guess so. Look... can I try....I mean, I'd like.....would you mind if.... Great. Welcome to the Mental Midget Club of America, Alex. Apparently getting off in your pants shuts down higher brain function."

"May I make an observation?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"From this point forward, always think before you speak and never use your name in a statement like that again. If your intent is to get to a point where you won't allow anyone else to hurt or demean you, and I hope it is, you must stop doing it yourself, or no one will ever respect the final result of your transformation."

"Hey. I can fight and I can make fun of myself. Best thing, second best thing. Basically, that's the whole list of my skills. Don't be trying to take away half my list."

"Why do you still hold to his attributes? You're so much more than the young man I met at Sunnydale high school. You can be so much more, even, than you are now."

When Rupert saw that Alex wasn't getting the point, he tried a different tack. "List Alex's skills."

"I... I can't. I don't really know who he is, yet."

Gently, Rupert stretched out a hand and tilted Alex's chin up until their eyes met.

"Precisely. He's a clean slate. Only you decide what and who Alex is. Not me, not Anya, not your parents, not anyone else in the entire world. Strong or weak, independent or subservient, focused or lost. It's all up to you. Now. What was it you were asking permission to do?"

"I.... the.... what you were doing."

"Alex. Say the words. Just call it whatever you'd like to. Here, with me, it's safe. Say it. Ask.... I'll give you whatever you want..... whatever you need me to give."

Closing his eyes, Alex calmed the shuddering that was trying to take him over and spoke from a bruised and battered heart that still couldn't quite believe anyone would say these things to him and mean it.

"I want to touch and taste you, taste your skin. I want to make you feel as good as you made me feel."

"That was beautifully spoken. A very sweet sentiment and I thank you for it. Of course you may...."

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TBC......


	10. Chapter 10

Rupert's thought drifted into silence and both men were suddenly distracted as the sounds of Michael's christening drifted up to them from the floor. All activity, all conversation, even their next breaths were held back until the roars of pain and mutual sounds of pleasure had faded away. Only then was Alex able to tear his attention away and bring it back to Rupert  
.  
"Ummm. That sounded like it hurt..... a lot."

"I won't lie. Your first experience will involve some pain, but how much depends on your partner. William can be a bit.... impatient for his pleasure. I'm not. I promise you it won't be that difficult. I won't allow it to be."

"That would be appreciated."

"Switch positions with me. Yes. That's it. Good. Begin whenever you're ready."

"Any... tips? I mean.... how..."

"Are you up to hearing it? I won't mince words. Not now, not with you."

"Go on."

"My nipples seem to be a panic button of a sort. The navel as well, but more so. Do try to avoid drawing blood, but a little nibbling while in the area is always pleasant. Other than that.... go with instinct. You never know when you might discover another trigger spot or two."

Alex smiled lightly down at the older man, cleared his throat and leaned forward over Rupert's body. His initial movement was tentative and unsure; a soft quick kiss placed in the hollow at the base of the throat. When it brought a positive response, however, he grew bolder, licking the same spot lingeringly, then moving lower.

For the briefest of moments he debated how to proceed, before realizing he understood this, understood the touches and strokes he had always desired but had never been given, and knew how to give that to someone else. His body told him what to do, what would bring moans and shouts from the man beneath him, and he did it all.

The revelation made his confidence blossom as he began to apply his hands, lips and tongue to Rupert's lightly sweaty skin, moving slowly, not out of fear, but from the knowledge that a leisurely pace would heighten his lover's anticipation and make the watcher's eventual orgasm all the more intense.

For a moment, Rupert marveled at the change in Alex and wondered about its origin, but spent no more time on it than that, preferring to concentrate on the sensations the younger man was drawing from his body and the erection he could feel swelling between his thighs.

Alex had now worked his way down to the other's navel, but was stopped in his tracks at that point after realizing he'd have to unfasten and lower Rupert's pants a little to reach the spot he wanted.

"It's alright, Alex. Come back up here. I'm fine with what you were doing...."

"No. It's not fair to you to make you.... do what I did. I can handle this. I can..."

A moment later, a startled cry shot from Alex as an utterly nude William dropped to the bed beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry, luv. No scare meant. Thought you knew I was around."

"It's... okay. I'm nervous enough. Would you go away...put on a robe... something?"

"Vampires ain't got nothin' you don't, sweet stuff. If ya seen yer own, ya shouldn't be scared of mine. Now, back to the subject at hand. What's the roadblock, eh?"

"Look, doesn't Michael need you?"

"Nope. Said he'd rather recover on his own. Wanted to think about things private-like, so   
I let him go. You're the one that needs help. Am I wrong? You were lookin' for an objective POV, right?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

"Lemme ask a question, then. Been havin' fun up t'now were we? Everything alright so far?"

"Alright doesn't half cover it. I love how good he makes me feel.... and knowing I can do the same for him."

"Then it's just the fear stoppin' ya from makin' him feel even better?"

"Isn't fear enough?"

"Tell ya a secret, baby cakes. He's three times as scared as you are. He's scared of hurtin' ya too much, scared that's all you'll remember after."

"Will I?"

"What do you think? Honest an' truly now."

"No way. He's put too much good in my head for any pain in my body to ever block it out."

"Then tell him that, yeh? Make him see the good will be there long after the second or two of bad is over." he advised, rising to head for the shower. "When you two are ready for end-game send him t'get me. He's gonna need my help."

"Should I even ask why you think that?"

"You'll see, and not too long from now, either, I'm guessin'. Have fun, luv. I'll be waitin' with baited.... somethin'." he tossed back, chuckling as he ambled from the room.

Alex watched him go, then turned back to Rupert with a smile and what he saw as the obvious question.

"When did the gypsies curse Spike?"

"That is William, not... that other. I did tell you he'd changed."

"Yeah, you did, but that much?! You really are like.... soulmates aren't you?"

"Well put. I do believe we are. He's slowly coming around to seeing that truth, as well, I think. I just wish he'd go a little faster."

Alex laughed softly, drew a deep breath and reached down for the waistband of the other man's trousers, finally realizing his conversation had taken too long and that Rupert was visibly out of the mood.

"Hey, I'm sorry. He distracted me and...."

"I'm not the least bit sorry. It just means you'll have to begin again. From the top, please, maestro...." the watcher informed him, tossing a wicked grin after his seductive words. Alex matched the smile beaming up at him and gleefully obliged. Almost thirty minutes later, the waistband border crossing was reached again, but this time there was no hesitation on Alex's part.

"It's time. I'm okay with this now. Take them off." he said, standing to remove what was left of his own clothing, though his hands, his entire body, shook so fiercely that his efforts were less than useless. Rupert moved quickly to his side, laid his hands over Alex's and stilled them.

"Stop. If you still want this..."

"Yes. Please... I do. I'm scared...."

"You have a right to be. You aren't alone, here. I'll help. Ready?"

After a few moments and a deep breath or four, they did the task together, hands working in concert to expose the younger man's body to his lover's eager eyes, then separating as the watcher stepped back.

At a raised eyebrow from Rupert, Alex nodded and watched the other remove his pants and briefs as one unit. The sight that met his eyes told Alex without a doubt why William had believed Rupert would need help. His shocked brain immediately exaggerated what he was seeing into something it would take three strong men to lift and his fear grew almost beyond him before he could get it under control.

"Big...." was, at first, the only word he could force from his lips.

"I was afraid of this. You can get dressed, Alex. We won't do anymore tonight..."

The words sliced through Alex's stupor like a knife.

"No! I mean.... gimme a minute, will you? I.... I had an image in my head. That wasn't it. You... you surprised me, is all."

"Really. It's fine if the night has to end here....."

"Will you stop and listen? I said it doesn't have to end. You haven't forced anything all night, just like you promised. I made every decision on my own. You've been easy and gentle.... and because you were, I'm ready for this. Get over here, would you please?"

Rupert walked slowly to where Alex stood waiting at the end of the bed, smiled softly and stroked his cheek, then dropped to his knees at the younger man's feet.

"This is the next step forward, Alex. You already know how incredible it feels when I touch you... this is even better. You can handle this, I'm sure of it. Slide your feet apart a little more.... Good. You understand what's about to happen, Alex.... let go of all of it..... be here... feel only this. Heaven above, you taste amazing.... dark red and gold....."

As his lover's tongue swept over, under and around his rapidly stiffening cock, Alex felt his entire body tensing and relaxing over and over again as he tried to silence the soul shattering voice that kept whispering cruelties, picking at his deepest insecurities and doing, saying anything and everything to break him down.

### This is all a lie.... Any minute now someone's going to wake you up..... it isn't real, not for you. You don't deserve adoration, you don't even deserve affection. You get the rejects the rest of the world won't have. Why couldn't you be happy with that, huh? That's all you've ever been given, all you'll ever get. Alex?! Please! Lost and lonely Xander is all you'll ever be and you know it! Time to wake up..... ###

Already nearly sobbing with the power of his approaching orgasm and the effort it was taking not to heed the savage, nasty words ringing in his head, Alex was barely aware of the end of the nightmare memory sliding into place. Lost in a fog of arousal and sensation, he let it stay at the edge of his consciousness, too focused on Rupert's ministrations to give it the attention it required.

Somehow, through the lust swamp that flooded his brain, Rupert's earlier words floated back to him, dissolving and replacing the dark mental self-torture he'd been performing:

His control slipping as his release rushed toward him, Alex finally defeated the darkness, gave in to physical desire and emotional need and voiced his hunger from the bottom of his soul.

"God, I'm so hard.... you make me feel so good..... suck harder... please.... ohhhh, now.... I'm coming.... deeper.... mmmm.... coming, coming...."

When the watcher reached out, took a testicle into each hand and gently squeezed, Alex fell over the edge, pumping himself frantically into the other's mouth until he was spent. Abruptly, his body's need satiated for the moment, his spirit demanded equal time and the full, intact content of the memory swept down on the young man. Driven to his knees, he wept soundlessly, the emotional release no less deep or profound for being expressed in silence. The watcher gathered him into a solid embrace, murmuring soothing words constantly for the several minutes it took Alex to find his voice.

"Shhh. It's over now. It's over. Take it easy."

"It... came back... it all came back.... he didn't.... someone scared him away. I ran... and I hid. I just stayed in the bushes for hours.... 'till after dark. When I heard my folks yelling my name.... I finally crawled out.... my mom hugged me so tight...."

"Thank God. You weren't raped.... thank God. You're alright, Alex. Everything's fine now. Breathe deeply. Try to relax. I'm so proud of you. Unbelievably proud. You're so strong...." Rupert praised and comforted softly, while other thoughts flickered in the back of his mind momentarily and were shelved for possible later discussion.

{No mention of his father I noticed, but there will be time for that. I promise you, Alex, there will be time....}

After a long space of time, all the while being held and rocked gently in Rupert's arms, Alex sighed deeply, looked up and back at his friend and lover and reached up to touch the traces of moisture drying on the other man's face.

"Rupert, man.... what do you say when thank you isn't even close? What you've done for me...."

"...is nothing more than friends do for each other. This was a simple act of kindness."

"Yeah, well.... those have been pretty few and far between for me. You didn't want anything for it, it wasn't a tease that got pulled away at the last minute. You just gave it. No strings, no aftershocks. Why?"

"When William saved me, brought me back to the world, he made me promise that if I saw the chance, I would pass my redemption on to someone who needed it as badly as I had. He said..... sharing second chances was as important as receiving your own. Please don't think I brought you here for that purpose in the beginning. I couldn't have known about what happened to you..... I really have wanted you, wanted to be with you this way, for quite a long time. When I realized that fulfilling my promise would also present me the opportunity I'd been craving, to touch and caress your body, to arouse you in every way I know, to make love to you for hours on end .... it was just too much to resist."

"Ummm, Rupert? You keep that up and I won't be resisting anything much longer...."

"Oh. Sorry. I do tend to.... yes. Well, time to end this in grand style, hmmm?"

The raw need and utter trust in Alex's expression when he looked back at his mentor again almost threw Rupert into his own crying jag.

"Yes. Please."

Releasing the younger man, the watcher stood and left to find William. Alex sat where he was for another moment or two, amazed to think that he had faced not only the aborted childhood attack, but the gauntlet of lies and garbage his own mind had thrown at him and he had survived. He knew, suddenly, that no monster from Hell, the next dimension over or anywhere else would ever scare him again.

When Rupert returned with William they stayed by the door for a moment, deep in conversation, before approaching Alex, who had reclaimed the bed.

"No. I must insist...."

"Luv. You're enough for him t'handle without the condom. Yer both healthy, yeh? So it isn't necessary. Extra lube, alright, but not the rubber. Not if ya want to keep his pain to a minimum."

"Of course I do."

" 'Kay. Listen to me then. I'm here t'help both of ya."

"I know. You can help me by making sure I stay in control. Don't let me lose my mind at the end.... for God's sake, don't let me really hurt him."

"I'm on that. Can do, sweets. Let's get started, shall we?"

Both walked to the bed slowly, giving Alex plenty of warning they were on their way. Rupert climbed up to join him, William dropped to his knees on the air-mattress. "Alex. You ready, son?"

"As I'll ever be. Just one thing... tell me what's happening before it does, okay? No big, honkin' surprises."

"Of course, I will. Slow and easy, plenty of advance notice."

"The first job is yours, luv. It's usually up to the receiver to get his partner up an' runnin' so he can do his job proper."

"Oh. Yeah. Rupert, can I...."

"You don't have to ask. Touch me however you'd like to, Alex."

As it had happened with every other step in the building of their intimate connection with each other, Alex's first touches were unsure and brief, but soon became strong and confident as he learned what his partner liked and didn't and discovered the precise spots that would make the watcher cry out for him to repeat the movement. All too soon, in his eyes, William made him retreat.

"It's time already?"

"You did your part well, luv. Now you get to sit back and enjoy the rest of the party while he does the work. How do you want this to go? You can do it on yer stomach, yer back or hands an' knees. I really wouldn't recommend the third option. Too tirin', not as much fun."

"I guess.... on my stomach."

"Good choice. Get on over. We slip a couple pillows under here.... alright. Your turn for advice, Rupe. No matter how intense this gets, ya gotta listen to me a little, or the young one'll be hurtin'. We in contact?"

"Yes. I hear you."

"Hope so. Take this," he said handing the watcher the bottle of gel lubricant, "an' open the cheeks up. Drip it in there right from the bottle. Rub it around. That's the way. Now.... lube the first finger of the dominant hand.... nice.... ya got it. Go slow, ducks. Warn him, then give him time."

"I'm just going to slide one finger in, Alex. This won't hurt at all... relax for me.... you see? No pain.... this feels good doesn't it? Tell me it feels alright...."

"Wow.... that's weird.... really weird.... but it feels good.... mmmm... yeah.... it doesn't hurt yet...."

Rupert stayed at that level until William whispered in his ear that he could probably go on.

"One more finger. It might ache a little here as you start to stretch out..... I'll try to be gentle....."

"Ahhhh.... it... it does.... not a lot, though.... I can handle it..... "

"Good. You're so beautiful, Alex..... so incredibly beautiful.... "

When he added a third finger a few minutes later, Alex whined, tensed and twisted, but settled back down fairly quickly, reveling in the powerful shocks and new sensations he was experiencing.

"Rupert. Ay, ten-hut. Don't waste much more time here. Ten fingers won't do no better than three. You could stretch him 'till eternity an' he wouldn't never be open enough. Just get him as relaxed an' ready as ya think he can get.... then go on in."

"I.... I'm afraid he's right, Alex. Are you ready?"

"Hah... no such animal. But I want it... I want you in me..."

"Alright... I swear... I'll try to go slowly.... I... I won't go in far at first.... it will hurt.... I'm sorry.... forgive me....."

Alex's only response to the slow invasion of his body was an initial sob of pain and muffled moaning as he drove his face into the pillow beneath his head to keep from screaming.

Slowly, using all the control he possessed and some borrowed from William, Rupert guided himself into and out of the man beneath him; driving, waiting, retreating, driving, waiting and retreating until he knew Alex's body had taken as much of him as it could.

"Hold real still, now, Rupert. Real still. Give him time for a breath.... let the burn cool down..... let him tell ya when it's time to move again...."

It was less than a minute before the watcher felt Alex move beneath him, pushing up and back just the tiniest bit. "Go on, sweets. There's yer green light." the vampire hissed, hard at work on his own erection. "Don't pull all the way out.... perfect.... you two are gorgeous together.... I'm not far off myself.... might get there with ya.... if I time this right...."

"Alex.... I'm so close..... I'm going to come soon... talk to me.... tell me it's alright....."

"Yes! God, yes... please.... faster.... go.. faster..... do it now!"

Complying, Rupert increased his speed, now so close to his release he knew it would only be seconds before he lost the battle. As his orgasm struck him like a thunderstorm, he closed his eyes against the white light that filled his vision, but it flowed behind his lids as well, engulfing him as he surrendered all he had to Alex. Moments later, he collapsed atop his young lover, utterly unconscious.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

EARLY MONDAY MORNING

"You're sure you don't mind me staying? It'll only be until I find a new place."

"I'm positive. It will be convenient for beginning your training.... and I'd enjoy your company."

"I can't wait to get started on that. I'm so ready to not be the chuckle-bunny on patrol."

"I'm quite looking forward to it. It will be good to be useful again."

"Did I tell you that I decided to change my last name too?"

"No. No, you didn't. What did you choose?"

"It's only a thought. I think I picked a good one, but I wanted your approval, first."

"Nice of you to say, Alex, but it is your life. You'll have to live with the name."

"Yeah, but.... I need you to say you like the idea, or I won't do it."

"If it's that important.... go on."

"My new last name.... is gonna be Summers. So? What do you think?"

His back turned as he ironed a shirt, Giles suddenly stopped, put the iron safely to the side and turned to face Alex.

"Dear God...."

"I knew it. You hate the idea."

"No. I don't hate it at all. You simply surprised me. It's a marvelous choice. I heartily approve. Quite a tribute. She would be honored."

"I hope so. This way there'll still be a part of her here. She won't feel so far away."

Gently, Giles drew Alex into a quick embrace then released him, turning back to his ironing and hoping his tears had been overlooked.

"You'd better get a move on if you don't want to be late for work. Oh, and you might stop by Willow's before you come home tonight. She was here yesterday..... quite upset and prepared to do you some serious mischief in Anya's defense."

"I thought as much. I had it on the agenda. I'll be back early enough to make dinner. Is a casserole okay?"

"Yes. Yes, that would be fine. Be careful."

"I have reasons to now. Of course I will be."

As Alex turned and left the laundry room, William stepped out of the shadows and glided to Giles' side.

"We're turnin' into a trio, ain't we?"

"No. Alex is welcome to live here if he chooses to and always welcome in my bed. I'd be very happy with that, but "we" will always and ever be you and I. You are my only, dearest heart. My vow."

Sighing deeply, a smile touching his pale lips, William wrapped his arms securely around Giles' chest as he had Friday night, leaned his head into the hollow in the center of the watcher's shoulders and squeezed gently.

"I knew that."

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

In his dreams, she was still there, still lithe and vital and strong. In his dreams, she told him it was alright, that it had been her decision to go. In his dreams, she forgave his betrayal, assuaged the guilt that constantly threatened to consume him, whether he was awake or asleep.....

This night, he allowed himself to be forgiven.

This night, he forgave himself.

This night he embraced her, let her go, watched her stride away from him.

In his dreams, both were freed; one to eternity, one to a new spirit and a resurrected heart.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))

TBC....


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I messed up the timeline on the PTB's destruction and went AU about getting access to them. I wanted a kinder gentler scenario, 'kay? Kay...

"Wyndham- Angel investigations. How may I direct your call?"

"Cordy? It's me. Please don't hang up. I beg of you, girl, don't hang up."

After several stunned seconds, Cordelia found her voice again.

"Spike?"

"Yeah. I gotta ask..."

"Why are you calling here? I never expected to hear from you again. I mean, you weren't at the funeral. I thought maybe...."

"Couldn't bear to be there. I did try to go poof. A hundred times at least. Never made it. I kept hearin' her voice tellin' me how disappointed in me she was. Plus I had... a friend by my side, makin' sure I stuck around."

"Well... I'm glad you didn't do anything..... poofish. I've been hearing good things about you."

"Have you now."

"Yeah. I do keep in touch with the gang, you know. Haven't heard from anyone since Buffy died, though. All Wes would say is that he had a good time at Giles' back a couple weeks ago."

"An' may you never find out how good." Spike mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing, luv. Look. This call had a point to it when I rang you up...."

"Oh. Sorry about that." she chuckled softly. "Craving for a voice from home had me all giddy. I'll go get..."

"Hang on! I don't want Angel. I.... I called to talk t'you. I need a.... a favor of sorts. One only you can do."

"Are you okay, Spike? If I didn't know better I'd swear you were cry..."

"I am not! Don't even think it."

"Apologies again. So, what can I do for you?"

"You are his connection to the PTBs', right? I want.... I'd really like it if you'd be my intercessor. I have to talk to 'em, but... I'm kinda worried they'd leave me fit for the broom an' dustpan as soon as look at me. If someone they trust, someone who works for 'em, vouched for me an' said my piece, they'd listen. Please say ya will."

"It depends. What would I be intercessing about?"

"It's personal."

"I can't go to them with just that, Spike! 'Yes, sir. Why am I standing here before the greatest powers in the universe as a mouthpiece for the undead? It's personal.' Yeah, that'll go over big."

"I can't. Ya wouldn't believe me if I.... "

Cordelia heard Spike pull the receiver away from his mouth and give vent to a low, dangerous growl before he came back on the line. "Alright, but if you laugh...."

The hurt and emotion he was trying to suppress came over the phone so clear and strong that the last thing Cordy wanted to do was laugh.

"I won't. Just tell me."

"I... found someone. This is the big it, Cordy; beyond minds that click, beyond the physical stuff. We need each other, want each other.... I've never been this way. It's like I'm totally lost.... an' I don't give a damn. The chip burned itself out, see, an' I'm still workin' on my famous temper.... if I were to hurt this person.... I'd walk straight into the light a'day without a second thought."

"Wow. I've never heard you talk like this. You must be in deep."

"Past my eyes an' sinkin fast. Help me, Cordelia. Please say you'll stand with me.... when I ask the Powers for my soul back."

Stunned once again, Cordelia lapsed into silence for another few moments. "Cordy? You there?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm here. Just considering the implications of broody-boy having a bleach-blond little brother. Of course I'll be there for you. Can't think of a better reason to be an intercessor. Meet me here at the office.... two nights from tonight. Try to stay hopeful, okay? I'm gonna do everything I can."

"Thanks, Cordy. You don't know what this means...."

"Sure, I do. If someone saw the softer side of Spike and you two groove non-functional heart wise, who am I to stand in the path of true love? See you in two nights, around midnight."

"Okay. One other thing. Angel.... he wouldn't..... it might be better not to tell him 'till it's done."

"I am so all over that. Total agreement. Night, Spike."

"Thanks again. Night."

Spike rang off, feeling slightly guilty that he hadn't corrected Cordelia on the state of his love's heart, but if the interview with the Powers didn't clue her in, he wasn't about to. Cordelia hung up the phone with a bright smile, and ran out of the office into the main part of the lobby.

"Wesley! Wes? Where are you? I need a printed copy of the Rite of Petition...."

(((((((((((((((((

TWO NIGHTS LATER: THE ANTEROOM TO THE PTB AUDIENCE CHAMBER

"Are you sure you're ready for this? According to Angel it's pure agony for the body and pure torture for the mind."

"It's worth it. Anything is."

After another moment of skeptical assessment, Cordelia held the printed copy out to him and they began alternately reading the rite of petition.

"Universal rulers, guidance for the lost, hope of those from whom all has been stolen; hear my plea." he began, reading haltingly, working to pronounce each word perfectly.

"Door to forever will be, vigilant gatekeeper and guardian of must never be, open the portal to your servant so that I may come before you and seek your wisdom in the name of the one I represent this night." Cordelia continued, struggling to keep negative thoughts and doubts out of her head. Despite her instinct telling her she could trust Spike, she had seen the Powers die before and was reluctant to be the cause of any more trouble coming their way.

"Strength beyond strength, mind beyond mind, time out of all time; hear my words. See my thoughts. Know my heart. I, William of Manchester, petitioner, attend thee."

"I, Cordelia Chase, intercessor, attend thee."

"So... now what?"

"We wait."

"How long?"

"You're asking me? I'm just their "writhe in pain for way too obscure visions" girl. I never got a membership card. I don't even know the secret handshake."

"S'alright. Ya knew how to find the clubhouse and ya had the password. That's what counts."

"You made a funny."

"Yeah." he replied giving her a mock scowl. "I make funnies all the time, now. My love's evil influence, I think."

"You were reading pretty well. A lot better than you used to. I'm impressed."

"Yeh, well, so is my sweetie. Says I could be readin' high school stuff pretty soon. We're goin' out book lookin' soon as I get back home. I'm kinda lookin forward to it, ya know? There's a lotta stuff I missed. Always thought I'd enjoy classic stuff. Faulkner, Vonnegut, Melville; ones like that."

"Really? I would have thought, Stephen King. Anne Rice maybe...."

"You kidding, luv? If I hadn't changed my ways, I'd go turn that pouf King an' show him what a vampire really is. Rice got closer, but she's still so far off the mark she might as well've been writin' about warm puppies and fluffy pink clouds. I do kinda like those.... what is it... Space Battle books. The movies were a bit a'alright, but they left me wonderin' what was next, ya know? So what does he do? Go back to the beginnin'. Silly git."

"Space.... you mean 'Star Wars' ?"

"Yeah, them! What I've been able t'get through of 'em has been really great. Puts the pictures in my head just like watchin' the films."

" 'Star Wars'. Boy, if you aren't a shock a minute lately. So tell me more about this wonderful whoever you fell so hard for." Cordy asked, sliding down to sit on the floor.

"I suppose." he mused, joining her. "First thing is... I wasn't gonna tell you this. Wasn't sure how you'd react. This one isn't a vamp, like you were thinkin' the other night. It's a human. That's why when the chip shorted... I knew I had to do this. Had to be sure I'd never do harm. Between this an' the anger management course I'm sufferin' through.... we should be aces. I hope."

Though she raised an eyebrow at the mention of anger management, Cordy spared Spike another repeat of verbal incredulity.

"Human. Wow. You've lost a lot in your life to have to face losing someone you feel this much for. How will you..... handle it?"

"Follow right behind an' hope I did enough good to balance out the past so I can be with.... I'll walk into the sun, piss off the current slayer.... whatever. I don't know. I just know... I won't want to be here any longer."

"Amazing. I sure hope whoever you're doing this for is worth it."

"Oh, yeah. Worth everythin' I am an' everythin' I can give, he is." Spike whispered so softly that he was certain Cordelia hadn't heard, even in the echoing, high-ceilinged room where they waited.

When the portal swirled open a short while later, both rose to their feet, but while Cordy moved to step through, Spike hung back.

"Well? C'mon. This is your petition."

"I know. I just...."

"Don't let these guys intimidate you. They're going to read your heart the way it is now, not the way it was. If you've really changed as much as I think you have.... you'll be fine."

"Well.... Right." he announced, straightening his back and walking through the portal, immediately dropping to his knees and bowing his head as Cordelia had instructed.

# Cordelia Chase, intercessor for the vampire known as William the Bloody, also known as Spike. Rise and speak his petition. We will consider. #

"My most humble and grateful thanks, honored ones. The petition is as follows: For the benefit and safety of one he greatly loves, the petitioner requests the restoration of his eternal soul."

# Yes. We see this love. It shines from him. Quite unusual for one of his kind, but also quite beautiful. You need not kneel again, intercessor, but there must be no discussion between yourself and the petitioner. We will return shortly with our judgment. #

Cordelia did as she'd been told, hoping Spike would be able to maintain his patient and respectful attitude until the Powers made their decision. He pleasantly surprised her by doing so.

Though it seemed far longer to the pair kneeling and standing by the entrance, the Powers were back in less than thirty minutes.

# Rise, William the Bloody, come and stand before us. We would render our judgment on your petition. #

As Spike rose to his feet, Cordelia quietly slid her hand into his, gave it a quick squeeze and released it.

# We have examined your heart and are pleased. The darkness has receded from you and the grip of your demon is not nearly as great. You are no longer William the Bloody, and this also pleases us. Your motivations for asking this of us are altruistic and purely in the interest of another.   
This is much more than we expected of you. If you continue to walk this path, your wish to one day become one with the light will almost certainly be granted. We cannot offer a guarantee, but we hold much hope for your future. Now to our judgment. To our tremendous disappointment, all the positive changes you have made do not alter what is. We find that we cannot grant your petition, much as it would have been our delight to do so. #

Spike dropped back onto his knees hard, then bent forward, his face to the cold floor, sorrow ripping through him as it hadn't since the night of Buffy's death. Tears streaked down his ivory skin and he didn't bother to try and silence the sobs that began to wrack his body.

"God.... what was it all for? Why did you ever let me find this if I can't soddin' keep it! What use is anythin' if I end up hurtin'..... I ... I can't believe.... You.... deceivin'....."

# This display of genuine emotion is another hopeful step in your walk to the light, William, and it gratifies us to see it, but will you not let us complete our judgment? #

"What more is there t'say, right? Ya said I can't have it back....."

# Incorrect. Our judgment was that we could not grant your petition. Even we are not able to restore something which you already possess. #

Stunned, now, himself, it took a while before the words he was hearing finally got through to Spike. He stood, stumbling a little and faced his judges.

"Wha'? How... it can't be. That's impossible."

# You know well the curse Angelus carries. What you do not know is that it is not a curse, precisely. It was merely an alteration of an affliction carried by all of your kind. For Angel, a moment of true bliss and his soul is banished. For you, a moment of genuine sacrifice and surrender, a genuine opening of yourself to another was what was required for yours to be returned. It was your bonding in sexual and emotional union with Rupert Giles that earned you the gift of your soul. #

Luckily Spike looked up at that moment and was just in time to catch Cordelia as she dropped to the floor in a dead faint. # Is your intercessor ill? #

"Nah. I told her I was in love.... but not with who. I think it kinda.... surprised her. She'll be alright."

# We see this. She wakes. Intercessor. We are pleased you are well. We have a message for you. Your courage has served you and those you protect very well. You have gladdened us immensely. It is shown to us that your path and the petitioner's are destined to cross in the future at a critical time for your world. All we can reveal at this point is that you must not lose touch as you have since the death of Slayer. All of you who have known and cared for Buffy Summers will be needed. The work has already been set in motion. Do not allow it to be subverted. This is the word of the oracle. Petitioner. We would present an additional gift to both you and your intercessor. Present your hands. #

Warily, Cordelia and Spike held their hands out. A moment later tiny silver stick-pins appeared in their palms.

# Intercessor. One of these is for you. The other you will present to the one you know as Wesley Windham Pryce. You will simply place it in his hand. You will not interfere with what follows. Petitioner. Yours are to be given to Alexander Harris and your Khean-nar-Viroque. Is all clearly explained? #

"It is." Cordelia murmured as she stood again, with Spike's help.

"It is." Spike echoed, steadying Cordy by one elbow.

# Then all is as it should be. Go in peace. Go with the blessing of the light. #

The portal appeared behind them again and, this time, Spike led the way out to the anteroom and back to the street. Once there, Spike began to walk back to the office, but Cordelia halted him.

"I'd say they were joking, but the PTB's don't know from funny. What is this about Giles?"

"It's true, alright? He's my Khean-nar-Viroque. It means 'shard of my soul'. Everything I told ya on the phone an' in there... it was all about him. We're in love... we're lovers. It goes so much deeper than a word or two could ever express, though. Cordy.... what can I say? You don't know what you've done for me an' Rupert. Thanks'll never be enough."

"You did it. That's what they said."

"Yeah, but you got me here. I'm not sure I woulda believed it unless I heard it like this an' I had to be sure.... Screw broody-boy. You're my hero, luv."

Spike drew her into an easy embrace. After a moment spent beating down her instinctual reaction, Cordy hugged him back.

"It's almost two. You need to get back to your car. You'll barely make it back to Sunnydale by morning."

"True. Shall we go?"

"I'm really happy for you and Giles. At least I will be when I get over the confusion and shock. Why they want that other pin to go to Xander I don't know. Well. Ours is not to question, ours is just to survive the excruciating headaches and run in front of dangerous thingies from hell praying they miss with whatever they're trying to kill us with."

"Yeah. About the kid. In case he calls ya anytime soon, there are things ya should know. We'll talk on the way back...."

((((((((((((((((

Cordy hugged Spike once more before watching him drive away, then rushed back upstairs.

"Wesley! Wesley, get out here! Now, mister!"

"I was just heading home, Cordy. What's so important?"

"That weekend party at Giles' place a while back? That Monday you came back walking like you had tent poles down the legs of your jeans? You said you'd been working out too hard. Exactly what kind of workout are we talking about?"

Wesley's eyes opened wide and he immediately stuck his nose deeply into the tome he was studying and walked away.

"Why don't you go on home, Cordelia..."

"Oh. Oh my God. He wasn't lying. You did.... did you?"

Suddenly, she had Wesley's undivided attention.

"He who? He who, Cordelia? Who have you been talking to...."

"You sound like an owl having an asthma attack. Tell you what. I'll give you my story, if I get yours first."

Wesley studied her closely for a long moment, then nodded toward the office.

"We do have an understanding that certain aspects of this tale never go beyond you and I and the walls of the office. Agreed?"

"Fine, but don't blame me if Angel finds out another way."

"What are you saying?"

"Uh-uh. I want to hear every detail of this wild weekend you four had. Then... I'll tell you my little adventure story."

(((((((((((((((((

# Why did you not tell the seer the entire truth? All she has endured on our behalf would seem to demand it. #

# It would, but this is not to be told yet. Her time of testing must come first. At this moment she is not ready to face his return. And neither is he. #

# Is he still unwilling to be called? He is a vital component of what is to come. She accepted her calling. Why will he not do as much? #

# Soon. The day is not yet to offer them their new paths. The road often goes unsought until the journey begins. Very soon, they will both be traveling, and then... who can know? Even our eyes are not always clear. #

# And if he fails and she cannot sustain them both? #

# We will see......#

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NEXT: If That's Destiny On The Phone, I'm Not Home!


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